[INFORMATION] [TITLE] [AUTHOR] [SOURCE] [PRG] [FILEPATH] [DELAY]0 [CD TRACK]0 [COMMENT] [END INFORMATION] [SUBTITLE] [COLF]&HFFFFFF,[STYLE]bd,[SIZE]16,[FONT]Tahoma 00:00:54.89,00:00:57.19 Doug is that you?[br][br]Harris? 00:00:57.39,00:00:58.89 Where the hell is everybody? 00:00:58.99,00:01:01.69 I don't know how to say this, but.. the clan's dead 00:01:02.29,00:01:03.49 We're the last ones left 00:01:03.69,00:01:06.09 What?! Valentine? 00:01:06.29,00:01:07.29 Sniped.. 00:01:07.29,00:01:08.49 Bowzer_Delta? 00:01:08.59,00:01:09.69 Camped.. 00:01:09.89,00:01:11.29 Delicinq?! 00:01:11.99,00:01:14.19 All gone Doug.. 00:01:14.40,00:01:15.90 They're all gone.. 00:01:16.20,00:01:18.40 Those goddamn Krauts! 00:01:18.40,00:01:20.90 Doug.. just listen to me for a sec 00:01:21.00,00:01:22.30 I just want you to know.. 00:01:22.30,00:01:24.30 00:01:24.40,00:01:25.60 Man get down, get down! 00:01:25.70,00:01:28.30 00:01:28.30,00:01:30.30 00:01:31.40,00:01:33.40 Man, I wish they'd turn on friendly fire.. 00:01:33.50,00:01:36.30 Doug.. I want you to listen to me.. 00:01:36.31,00:01:40.61 You're the best friend I've ever had.. It's been an honor fighting by your side.. 00:01:40.81,00:01:42.31 And if we ever get out of here- 00:01:42.31,00:01:43.41 00:01:45.41,00:01:46.91 HARRIS MOVE!! 00:01:49.81,00:01:53.01 Oh man.. what the.. 00:01:53.61,00:01:54.81 Doug! 00:01:54.91,00:01:56.21 Harris! 00:01:56.41,00:01:57.71 How bad is it? 00:01:57.81,00:02:00.31 I don't know what to say Harris.. you're pretty messed up, man.. 00:02:00.51,00:02:01.51 Doug ... 00:02:01.52,00:02:03.42 I need you to do something for me 00:02:03.42,00:02:05.82 What is it? You want me to take a letter back to Susan? 00:02:05.82,00:02:07.72 No.. 00:02:07.72,00:02:09.92 What? Don't tell me you got a watch up your ass! 00:02:09.92,00:02:13.12 What? Man, no.. no.. Doug I.. I just.. 00:02:13.12,00:02:15.22 Wanted to know if you'd just.. 00:02:15.22,00:02:17.72 Just say.. say it for me one last time! 00:02:17.82,00:02:20.42 Uuugghhh.. laaaaame.. 00:02:20.72,00:02:23.62 I know how much you hate it when people ask but.. 00:02:23.92,00:02:27.02 Just.. just one last time.. please 00:02:27.73,00:02:30.03 *sigh* Boom headshot, gotta go! 00:02:38.13,00:02:39.23 Oh boy! 00:02:45.03,00:02:47.33 Harris! This one's for you man!! 00:02:47.43,00:02:50.63 YOU CAMPING BASTARDS!! 00:02:50.63,00:02:53.03 SNIPE THIS!! 00:02:53.03,00:02:55.23 YOU LIKE THAT?? 00:02:55.23,00:02:59.23 AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 00:02:59.23,00:03:05.43 OH YEAH!! YEAH YOU WANNA DIE?? YOU'RE GONNA DIE!! BOOOOYYEEAAAAHHHHHH!!! 00:03:06.43,00:03:08.23 Hahaha.. n00bs. 00:03:08.53,00:03:09.93 FPS Doug.. 00:03:10.64,00:03:12.44 What the hell?! 00:03:12.84,00:03:15.64 HACKS! OMFG HACKS!! HACKS!! 00:03:16.04,00:03:18.24 Are you quite finished? 00:03:18.34,00:03:21.24 There is a man I'd like you to meet 00:03:21.34,00:03:23.74 He will help further your training 00:03:24.34,00:03:27.84 When you wake up, follow these instructions.. 00:03:28.14,00:03:31.44 And Doug.. before you go.. 00:03:32.44,00:03:34.44 Can you say something for me? 00:03:36.04,00:03:39.04 * I am the pwnage! bitches! * 00:03:41.44,00:03:46.44 (translation by: Your Name) 00:03:49.84,00:03:53.44 Episode 9: The story of Dave 00:03:55.25,00:03:58.65 Hey n00bs.. like uhh.. welcome to my show - Pure Pwnage 00:03:58.85,00:04:03.15 This is episode 9 and this episode.. I'm just gonna let you know right away 00:04:03.15,00:04:06.55 Like I might not be as super uber awesome pr0 as I normally am.. 00:04:06.85,00:04:11.75 Because apparently if you don't get to Dave's house early enough you don't get breakfast.. 00:04:11.75,00:04:15.75 And y'know, it's not fair, like.. so I woke up at 4 pm? 00:04:16.25,00:04:19.35 Y'know how am I supposed to get here by noon if I got up at 4?? 00:04:19.35,00:04:22.65 Dave doesn't understand maybe how the universe works.. and time and stuff 00:04:22.65,00:04:26.15 And apparently it's too much trouble to wash the dishes and make food again 00:04:26.25,00:04:31.55 And to top this off, it's kinda insulting.. Kyle tells me this morning he doesn't even want to make the episode about me this time! 00:04:31.75,00:04:36.55 He's thinking "Oh I'll make the episode about Dave, 'cause Dave's got all these fans online.. they think he's real funny" 00:04:36.56,00:04:41.86 - Yeah well Dave's a popular guy, y'know? A lot of people want to know more about him.. they wanna see an episode about Dave.. 00:04:41.86,00:04:44.26 Yeah.. but that's only 'cause they don't know Dave.. 00:04:44.26,00:04:47.76 I'm not saying Dave's not a cool guy, don't get me wrong.. 00:04:47.86,00:04:50.86 I'm just saying y'know.. he's not like super cool like me 00:04:50.96,00:04:54.16 Seriously Kyle, I don't know how much longer I can put up with this shit 00:04:54.26,00:04:57.96 Here I am.. I'm trying to take Dave out to a movie tonight right.. y'know.. 00:04:58.06,00:05:01.46 It's this movie he's been bugging me to see for like.. a month now 00:05:01.46,00:05:03.86 He's like "We gotta go see this mov-"[br][br]Oh oh! actually.. actually.. 00:05:03.86,00:05:08.36 Jeremy just really wants to see Hermione.. y'know? That's just for kids 00:05:08.36,00:05:13.06 It's Dave, man.. Dave's begging me to do it and I'm gonna be super nice but then y'know I get hit with this.. 00:05:13.17,00:05:15.97 No breakfast.. no show about me.. so.. 00:05:16.27,00:05:20.07 I'm just gonna say sorry guys.. I'm gonna, y'know.. I'm just gonna go 00:05:20.17,00:05:24.07 and I'm gonna let Kyle do his thing.. you guys have fun together, y'know.. 00:05:24.17,00:05:28.17 You make some shows with Dave.. you show how funny he is.. and I'm gonna go pwn some n00bs.. 00:05:28.17,00:05:32.37 Or do something good.. maybe get some New Gen 'cause I'm so hungry..[br][br](editor's note: New Gen is the name of a local sushi restaurant) 00:05:32.47,00:05:34.97 'Cause I guess I don't get breakfast! 00:05:36.17,00:05:40.57 Alright.. well.. 00:05:53.47,00:05:55.87 There's nothing to say.. 00:06:29.47,00:06:32.07 You seem like a good guy, and I'm not just saying that.. 00:06:32.07,00:06:36.57 'Cause y'know I meet a lot of people.. a lotta guys come to me, they think it's all Hogan's Alley out there, y'know? 00:06:37.18,00:06:40.58 But you look like you've got a purpose, or you're gonna find some sort of purpose.. 00:06:40.78,00:06:46.08 Anyway, you're here for a weapon right? And I understand it's your first, so I got some great starter guns for you right here.. 00:06:47.08,00:06:52.78 Well, uhh.. actually my Dad gave me a Walter P when I was like 7 man.. dude owns a gun shop! 00:06:52.78,00:06:56.88 Haha.. owns a gun shop, classic.. can you get this at your Dad's gun shop? 00:06:57.48,00:06:59.38 Have a look at this gun here.. look at that! 00:06:59.38,00:07:02.88 Modded adjustable collimating lens.. great starter.. what do you think? 00:07:03.08,00:07:05.58 Uhhh.. yeah.. 00:07:05.78,00:07:07.58 Alright something a little more practical maybe? 00:07:07.68,00:07:11.18 Snub nose.. dispersion compensator.. beautiful! 00:07:12.98,00:07:15.98 Man.. what is with this plastic crap? 00:07:15.99,00:07:19.39 I mean.. where's the motherfucking AK man?! Desert Eagle! 00:07:19.39,00:07:22.19 Hah.. you think you're gonna take these guys out with bullets? Huh? 00:07:22.49,00:07:24.59 Teh_Masterer didn't tell you, did he? 00:07:24.99,00:07:26.19 Tell me what? 00:07:26.19,00:07:29.09 It doesn't come from here.. it comes from here 00:07:31.49,00:07:36.09 You can't get stuff like this anywhere else in the city.. Teh_Masterer knows I always like to take care of you guys.. 00:07:36.09,00:07:38.69 WHOA WHOA! Buddy.. what are you doing?[br][br]Dude, sorry man.. 00:07:38.69,00:07:40.29 You think this is some kind of toy? 00:07:40.39,00:07:42.09 These will get the job done.. 00:07:42.19,00:07:45.39 You want some heavy artillery? Check out this bad boy 00:07:46.30,00:07:48.10 NES Super Scope 6 00:07:48.20,00:07:50.90 Beam waist adjustment right beside the trigger 00:07:51.30,00:07:54.10 So what's it gonna be, huh? My personal recommendation - 00:07:54.20,00:07:57.00 Sureshot Zapper.. practically aims itself 00:07:57.80,00:07:59.20 Well.. what's in that bag? 00:07:59.20,00:08:00.70 Oh that's not for you, that's for somebody else.. 00:08:00.70,00:08:03.40 What's for somebody else?[br][br]Look, that is the pr0 shit.. Ok? 00:08:03.40,00:08:05.80 You're not ready for that.. maybe in a couple years down the line.. 00:08:05.80,00:08:08.60 Dude.. I've been playing FPS a long time.. 00:08:08.90,00:08:11.30 Hah.. sure you're *played* FPS.. 00:08:11.51,00:08:15.61 Listen, I just don't want you to get hurt.. ok? But I'll show you anyways.. 00:08:16.11,00:08:19.91 2 years ago I had this thing refurbished in Japan.. you don't see many of these around.. 00:08:20.61,00:08:22.21 The SEGA Phaser.. 00:08:22.21,00:08:25.31 Endless supply of energy, the phenomenal speed of light right at your fingertips.. 00:08:25.61,00:08:29.61 I've been training on FPS since Duke Nukem went 3d and I can barely control this thing.. 00:08:30.21,00:08:33.21 There's only a few fellas I know that know how to handle this.. 00:08:54.41,00:08:56.81 BOOM HEADSHOT! 00:08:58.11,00:09:01.11 So you're FPS Doug.. 00:09:12.11,00:09:15.31 I'm standing here.. I'm standing here.. 00:09:15.91,00:09:20.01 It's your move.. better get your hacks on 'cause it's your move.. 00:09:22.42,00:09:25.02 Aimbot'ing piece of shit.. 00:09:30.32,00:09:32.32 Did you send me a PM? 00:09:33.22,00:09:35.22 Did you send me a PM? 00:09:35.22,00:09:37.52 I'm the only one with that user name.. 00:09:37.92,00:09:41.12 Who the fuck do you think you're PM'ing? 00:09:41.52,00:09:45.02 Oh? Oh yeah? Alright.. 00:09:47.52,00:09:51.02 That's right.. leave the server.. go ahead 00:09:56.82,00:09:58.82 Little wallhacking bitch 00:10:03.42,00:10:06.32 So I dunno I was having this dream.. I was like on a horse and stuff.. 00:10:06.32,00:10:11.12 I got these 2 guns.. I'm just like "boobooboooom" shooting up all these guys with like my crazy micro.. 00:10:12.13,00:10:13.53 Tagi??[br][br]Hey ... 00:10:13.53,00:10:18.63 How's it going? Like I haven't seen you in so long.. like I meant to call or whatever..[br][br] 00:10:18.63,00:10:20.83 Alright, I gotta go.. who's this? 00:10:21.93,00:10:24.43 This is just a friend of mine.. Jeremy.. 00:10:24.73,00:10:26.03 Tagi? 00:10:26.03,00:10:32.23 Wh-wh-wh.. Tagi? Oh is this the.. this is the guy! That's what he calls you on the computer! 00:10:32.43,00:10:35.83 Tagi.. haha..[br][br]yeah.. hehe.. we just went out for dinner.. 00:10:36.13,00:10:39.13 Oh, you're having dinner.. cool.. that's cool[br][br]Yeah, it was good.. 00:10:39.23,00:10:43.73 I like.. I eat too.. sometimes..[br][br]Oh yeah? You like to eat? What do you eat? 00:10:43.83,00:10:44.93 Shit?! 00:10:47.24,00:10:50.34 He's so quick Tagi is that why you're with him? 'Cause he's so smart? 00:10:50.64,00:10:54.34 You know what? You remind me of those little geeks I used to beat the shit out of in High School 00:10:54.64,00:10:56.84 You remind me of.. ghey. 00:10:56.94,00:11:00.04 Of gay?[br][br]Yeah!.. who is this n00b Tagi? 00:11:00.34,00:11:03.34 I can't believe you hang out with n00bs like this guy..[br][br]Noob? What is that? 00:11:03.34,00:11:04.94 Nice skills buddy..[br][br]A noob? Skills? I'll show you skills.. 00:11:04.94,00:11:06.84 Do you know what micro is? And it's not what's in your pants, man.. 00:11:07.14,00:11:09.74 I don't even understand what the hell this guy is talking about.. 00:11:09.74,00:11:12.04 Yeah and I'm gonna pwn you[br][br]Own me? 00:11:12.04,00:11:16.74 Own me? You think you're rich now, man? You know how much this fucking jacket costs?[br][br]Jeremy just stop.. stop it! stop it! 00:11:16.75,00:11:18.55 Will you just leave us alone? 00:11:18.65,00:11:22.25 Oh you wanna be with this guy? Alright.. later Anastasia 00:11:22.25,00:11:24.25 00:11:32.65,00:11:38.15 Fucking n00b thinks 'cause he's like.. kicks a football around he's got some skills.. 00:11:38.45,00:11:41.65 Doesn't know I could micro his fucking punk ass.. 00:11:43.15,00:11:45.35 What the hell is this? 00:11:47.05,00:11:51.65 Maybe they want some?.. maybe they think they got some skills?.. 00:11:54.25,00:11:57.25 00:13:06.25,00:13:12.25 Shanxi, 1998[br](northern China) 00:14:05.45,00:14:06.75 Motherfucker[br][br][br] 00:14:07.06,00:14:08.56 Bastard[br][br][br] 00:14:08.56,00:14:10.36 Give him a punch there[br][br][br] 00:14:10.36,00:14:11.76 Little son of a bitch![br][br][br] 00:14:16.26,00:14:17.96 Mah Balls![br][br][br] 00:14:17.96,00:14:19.86 Damn, the cheap ass![br][br][br] 00:14:21.06,00:14:23.16 Taking you bitches to school![br][br][br] 00:14:23.46,00:14:25.86 Back to grade 1, grade 1![br][br][br] 00:14:26.56,00:14:29.16 Your skills are total n00b[br][br][br] 00:14:29.46,00:14:32.36 Let's play again, this time I'll try[br][br][br] 00:14:32.46,00:14:34.76 Yeah, try not to get your ass kicked![br][br][br] 00:14:40.27,00:14:41.57 Dave, Dave..[br][br][br] 00:14:41.57,00:14:43.07 Double dragon out of the sea[br][br][br] 00:14:43.07,00:14:44.37 Dragon group without leader[br][br][br] 00:14:44.37,00:14:45.47 Proud dragon with regret[br][br][br] 00:14:45.47,00:14:46.97 Piss of n00b![br][br][br] 00:14:52.07,00:14:55.07 Nie Feng, you distracted me, idiot![br][br][br] 00:14:55.07,00:14:57.57 Next time, shut your mouth![br][br][br] 00:14:57.57,00:14:59.37 Haha, nice excuse![br][br][br] 00:14:59.37,00:15:01.47 He wins because he games all day..[br][br][br] 00:15:01.47,00:15:03.47 Useless rice bucket![br][br][br] 00:15:04.68,00:15:07.08 When he wins, it's always close[br][br][br] 00:15:07.08,00:15:08.88 When I win, it really counts![br][br][br] 00:15:08.88,00:15:10.78 Tell me, last time you won..[br][br][br] 00:15:10.78,00:15:12.58 Who was the emperor of China then?[br][br][br] 00:15:13.08,00:15:15.38 Let's play a game of real skill[br][br][br] 00:15:15.68,00:15:20.18 My high score in Tetris is 367,896![br][br][br] 00:15:20.38,00:15:21.78 What's yours?[br][br][br] 00:15:22.08,00:15:27.38 My high score is your mom thousand, your sister hundred and your cousin[br][br][br] 00:15:34.78,00:15:37.18 Well, you just gave me an idea[br][br][br] 00:15:37.18,00:15:39.38 Let's play again, and if I win...[br][br][br] 00:15:39.39,00:15:42.09 I will have my way with your sisters..[br][br][br] 00:15:42.09,00:15:44.89 Both of them! Ha, ha, ha.[br][br][br] 00:15:45.99,00:15:48.29 How about we play and when you lose..[br][br][br] 00:15:48.29,00:15:49.89 You can lick my balls..[br][br][br] 00:15:49.89,00:15:51.49 Both of them![br][br][br] 00:16:12.59,00:16:15.49 Unbelievable that you would do such a dishonorable thing[br][br][br] 00:16:15.49,00:16:17.09 We keep it in the game![br][br][br] 00:16:17.09,00:16:18.39 What are you doing?![br][br][br] 00:16:18.39,00:16:21.39 Shut up! You are either with me or against me![br][br][br] 00:16:23.29,00:16:25.99 Bu Jing Yun! I will not fight you..[br][br][br] 00:16:26.00,00:16:27.70 Leave this place![br][br][br] 00:16:27.70,00:16:29.50 We are never playing again[br][br][br] 00:16:36.20,00:16:39.20 You dishonor the memory of our sensei[br][br][br] 00:16:39.80,00:16:42.00 He didn't know what I could do either![br][br][br] 00:16:58.80,00:17:00.80 00:19:02.80,00:19:06.30 I will never play games again 00:19:10.30,00:19:13.80 I will never micro again 00:19:15.00,00:19:19.00 00:21:13.30,00:21:16.00 Masterer.. [br][br] 00:21:16.70,00:21:19.40 00:21:20.21,00:21:22.11 Masterer! 00:21:23.51,00:21:25.51 We were attacked..[br][br]By whom? 00:21:25.51,00:21:30.41 I don't know.. but like, they had weapons.. and.. they had training 00:21:30.41,00:21:32.91 And yet you escaped? 00:21:33.01,00:21:36.11 Well.. yeah.. I mean.. y'know.. 00:21:36.11,00:21:40.11 We kinda pwned 'em up, y'know..[br][br]You used your micro in public?! 00:21:40.11,00:21:42.31 Well yeah.. I mean there was like 10 of 'em 00:21:42.31,00:21:46.51 There was like 15.. I mean.. I didn't have a choice![br][br]IT IS FORBIDDEN! 00:21:46.51,00:21:48.71 That is our way! 00:21:48.71,00:21:50.11 But if it wasn't for Dave.. 00:21:50.12,00:21:56.02 But Masterer! There has been a micro battle since the Miyamoto peace accord! 00:21:56.02,00:21:58.12 That's none of your concern! 00:21:58.12,00:22:01.42 We have more important things to worry about right now.. 00:22:01.82,00:22:03.52 Where is Alex? 00:22:03.92,00:22:06.22 I haven't heard from him in a month.. 00:22:06.22,00:22:08.62 I don't know.. he's not returning my emails.. 00:22:08.62,00:22:10.62 FIND HIM! 00:22:44.92,00:22:47.92 Alex!..[br][br]Hey Jeremy.. what's up? 00:22:51.52,00:22:54.22 So what's with like not replying to emails? And my IMs? 00:22:54.42,00:22:56.62 Y'know I got Teh_Masterer breathing down my neck wondering where you are.. 00:22:56.63,00:22:59.43 I'm trying to tell him y'know, you're gtg.. but like.. 00:22:59.53,00:23:04.23 Well Jeremy I've actually been very busy with work and school.. there's lots of stuff I want to do 00:23:04.33,00:23:07.23 Well yeah there's lots to do.. lots of n00bs to pwn.. they don't pwn themselves y'know.. 00:23:07.23,00:23:11.03 You don't have time to be playing with candies.. we gotta train, we got work to do.. 00:23:11.13,00:23:15.43 Y'know what? Playing games isn't exactly the best way I've gotta spend my time right now.. 00:23:15.43,00:23:20.03 I gotta finish my degree at school.. I have a girlfriend now.. I want to go travelling.. I work.. 00:23:20.63,00:23:22.23 You don't wanna play games? 00:23:22.23,00:23:26.73 Look I really don't wanna do that pr0 gramer thing anymore.. Just.. tell Teh_Masterer.. 00:23:27.03,00:23:29.83 I don't wanna go to his training program anymore.. I just quit.. 00:23:29.93,00:23:32.73 And to tell you the truth.. Teh_Masterer kinda creeps me out.. 00:23:32.74,00:23:36.24 Why the hell does he dress like a ninja? Why the hell does he dress like that? 00:23:37.34,00:23:40.34 You don't wanna play games?[br][br] 00:23:40.34,00:23:43.24 Ok, one second.. I'm coming right away.. 00:23:43.24,00:23:46.64 Yeah look my boss is calling me back to work.. I gotta go.. 00:23:46.64,00:23:51.44 So.. whatever.. you just tell Teh_Masterer I quit, I'm done.. I don't wanna play games anymore.. 00:23:51.44,00:23:53.94 I guess I'll just see you later.. 00:23:58.84,00:24:03.94 Can you believe that Kyle? Like he doesn't wanna play games? He's got those kinda skills and he's just gonna let them go to waste! 00:24:03.94,00:24:05.34 He's gonna get a JOB! 00:24:05.34,00:24:07.14 - Maybe he's really a n00b or something? 00:24:07.14,00:24:09.84 Kyle.. he almost took my GLA.. he's no n00b.. 00:24:10.05,00:24:12.85 I mean, trust me.. I picked him out myself.. 00:24:20.85,00:24:23.35 Kinda makes you think Kyle.. Y'know, like.. 00:24:23.35,00:24:28.05 Is there more stuff out there than games? Y'know am I missing out on stuff that's fun? 00:24:28.05,00:24:31.25 'Cause I've played like the most fun games y'know.. 00:24:31.55,00:24:33.95 It's just a lot to think about.. 00:24:38.25,00:24:40.75 Dave? 00:24:44.05,00:24:46.55 Dave? 00:24:46.75,00:24:49.35 Must be in the kitchen.. 00:24:51.05,00:24:53.65 Dave? 00:24:57.35,00:24:58.95 What's this? 00:24:58.96,00:25:00.76 Dear Jeremy and Kyle.. 00:25:00.76,00:25:03.86 00:25:03.86,00:25:07.16 00:25:07.46,00:25:11.46 00:25:11.56,00:25:13.46 00:25:13.56,00:25:17.16 00:25:28.56,00:25:35.76 Thank you Dave for all you have done for us. We wish you luck in your new life.[br][br] - The Pure Pwnage Crew