Welcome to The OFFICIAL Pure Pwnage forums
Register now to gain access to all of our features. Once registered and logged in, you will be able to create topics, post replies to existing threads, give reputation to your fellow members, get your own private messenger, post status updates, manage your profile and so much more. If you already have an account, login here - otherwise create an account for free today!
basically it's just thoughts and how they flow inside of someones head. It has as many forms and patterns that, in my opinion, it's one of the rawest art forms out there. I find it fun to just let my mind flow outside of my body, it's freeing in a sense, and usually it makes me feel a lot less stressed out. Try timing yourself for 5 mintues and just type what you think in that timespan.
You ever feel like falling down? Not in any kind of metaphoric "I can't go on" sort of thing, just like... the ground is right there and I don't feel like standing or sitting or kneeling at the moment. I have this thought a lot, it's kind of like a nervous tick in my brain. When it comes it's usually followed by some worry, but I never mean it to be a metaphor, just happens that way I suppose. Come to think of it, I often think of something that I did in the past few days that I really regret, generally because I've over analyzed said situation to where I feel it was an embarrassment to my character while everyone else involved had forgotten about it the minute it was over. Like the other day I was pretty intoxicated and we got on the topic of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and I took a super philosophical approach to the topic that was merely about weather or not peanut butter and jelly was delicious. I stopped myself in mid sentence and everyone laughed, so I dunno why I was so disturbed by this happening, it didn't ruin my night any. I've just got a problem with being both an over thinker and impulsive at the same time. In this lies my true nature, a walking contradiction. I'm almost proud of the title, because at least I know in what way that I am crazy. Most people either ignore that fact or just are were diagnosed with something. I honestly think everyone has some sort of syndrome, but I highly doubt the amount of drugs we use to pacify out insanity is doing any of us any good. Sure, I did a lot of psychedelics in my time, and I thank them for reliving a majority of the pent up anger that was laying dormant inside of me during my early adolescence, not to say I don't get angry or frustrated anymore, because that's one of the things I really wish to better myself by eliminating. I think I need to go back to the shrink and get some anxiety medication, not because I'm afraid of everyone, which isn't necessarily false, but because when I'm around people I get on edge real fast and frustrations kinda flair up, but who knows, maybe that's normal.
Sometimes I feel paranoid about how people around me look at me and, not really seriously, think that somehow I'm part of a big picture and I'm not being let in on the joke. Sometimes I do something like lie, or trick somebody into doing something, and then I consider whether everybody knows that I lied, and just isn't letting me know just so that I'm always ignorant of what's really going on. Sometimes I don't take it seriously, but other times, I really consider it. When people message me online and I don't respond, but I opened the window, I get some kind of paranoid delusion that they're running some kind of plugin for the chat program that allows them to see when the message was received. This leads me to a dilemma as to whether I should follow through with my suspicion and just talk to them or whether I should ignore them and hope that my paranoia is just a delusion. Another example of this is when I'm playing a game on Steam and somebody I've been ignoring for a while starts to talk to me, and I don't say anything, but then I think that they might've checked my server information before talking to me to see if I scored any points, so that they could make sure I'm there. Usually, I respond, but I don't think it's always because I feel they know, but it just makes me feel calmer that I don't have these strange thoughts to think about. Somebody on Digg a while ago said something about having a friend that always used to bug you, and you always ignored him, but then after a while, nobody talked to you anymore, and you wished you had that annoying friend who always talked to you, so I tend to apply that principle in how I communicate with people from now on. Usually, if I don't have anything interesting to say, I just give them what I can and just greet them and talk about bullshit like the weather or the life I don't really care about. Manners are kind of bullshit in my opinion; we say all these things that we don't really know the meaning of, and it loses what little value it has in our society as a result of this. I've had a dilemma with myself when people sneeze because of this; do you say "bless you" to people who you know are atheists? Would they find it offensive, or would they see it how I see it, as an arbitrary norm established by society that we don't really consider the actual meaning of.
Jengerer you sound massively paranoid. It's an interesting concept. I'll give it a try:
One thing that is bugging me is my inability to get close to anyone; there's always a sort of detachment. Whenever I feel like I'm getting close to someone, I become fearful and try to pull away. I've lost friends and potential partners over this, more so than I probably realise. Is this normal? Is this something that can be fixed through self motivation and just accepting that I have to take a plunge? Why do relationships seem to come so easily to some people? Sometimes I feel as if some couples aren't even that close to each other, rather, they are just playing 'couples' like kids play 'mummies and daddies'. It's almost because of some strange impulsive desire to be with someone, that people ignore incompatibilities and just pretend for each other. Maybe my fear of being in a situation with a non ideal partner is making me worried - but the chance of ever finding 'the' ideal partner is low. In fact, there's so many people in this world that the chance of ever finding the person you were meant for is absolutely zero. Does that mean there are more than one person out there who is ideal. Actually, it's silly to consider that there is only one person, because that would indicate some sort of divination by the gods - an entirely wrong idea. However, there is probably some sort of spectrum of people that would make good partners, from least compatible to most. But what does this mean, should one ignore every potential that comes along because there may be someone better? At what point do we stop and try for happiness? Is there a happy balance between pretending to be in love with someone inappropriate or never finding anyone because of a continual search for someone better?
I have a hard time thinking of what to say in a post, especially when its my topic. I feel like if I post more than once in my topic per page everyone will think I'm a spammer, but honestly why should I care what y'all think of me? Which goes back to my "walking contradiction" label I proudly wear. Most of the time when I read someones posts I really want to respond, but I can't think of how to put what's in my brain exactly in text form. I really feel like forums are my worst form of communication, which is odd because I can say that. Centuries ago, and even in some remote parts of the world, they have but one or two forms of communication, oral and written. When did it become necessary to keep track of people you haven't even seen in real life? I mean, you guys are awesome and everything, but I can't imagine us ever running into each other if it wasn't for this "series of tubes". I just got done watching the episode of House from yesterday, and they had the whole episode about some blogger chick, who was played by what's her face from that 70's show, who had a boyfriend who kept asking her why she felt so compelled to tell every detail of her life to all her blog followers. I kinda sympathized with both of them, there needs to be privacy in the world, but at the same time there is some kind of comfortable distance when we talk to people over the internet. It's not a "giant community" really, its like a glory whole for frustrations.
Fucking Truman Show, man! Actually, like I said, I usually don't take those thoughts very seriously, but sometimes I fool myself into thinking I do.
This thread has reminded me how hard it is for me to stop thinking. When I tried to meditate, I found myself losing my main thought level, but there was always a second level that was behind it all asking, "Have I stopped thinking deeply yet?" And it served as an endless distraction. Do other people have this dual-layered mind where they can do two things at once, and sometimes even think, with different levels of focus, on two different things at the same time? Reading is a huge problem for me because I find myself thinking about what I'm reading with the "second layer", and even if I'm reading out loud, I lose focus of what I'm actually reading. My eyes move across the page, the words go into my brain, but I don't process them because I'm too busy thinking beyond the book. Wow, I completely forgot what I was thinking about. Damn, I can't remember where I was going to go with this. I sort of thought about this before I was going to type this. Oh, yeah, I was going to talk about how strange thought is. It's like-- I guess I can describe it best as spider-man clinging from building to building. We seem to have some kind of goal in our mind, and our words that come out of our mouths, or as thoughts in our mind are simply steps between these goals. Does that mean that our mind has some kind of intrinsic idea of what the thought is about? Sometimes I find myself thinking about things, and even though I have this kind of "I get it" concept, where I fully understand what I want and how to get it, I feel the need to explain it to myself in my mind and justify the thought. It's a little weird, but when I mentioned it to my friend Artem, he said that it's a good thing because it means I'm a very logical person. I don't know if I believed him, but I guess it's kind of-- it sticks with me more if I think about it longer.
Another interesting idea that kind of relates to this is how typing while I'm thinking sort of slows down how quickly I think. As I'm typing these words, I see them in my mind, but only as I begin to type that word. I don't really have an idea as to what word I'm going to write until I'm right there clicking the keys and putting them on the screen. It isn't a huge slow-down because I'm generally a fast typer. Wow, I'm typing pretty fast and there aren't any mistakes here. Crap, this reminded me of something that I wanted to type, but I can't remember what-- right, I remember. Man, this is pretty embarrassing because I keep forgetting what I'm going to say. Anyway, what I wanted to say was... shit, I forgot again. This is difficult because-- okay, I remember, I was going to say that while I'm typing what I'm thinking, my second layer of mind is coming back and I'm thinking things beyond what I'm writing as I'm thinking them. Like, when I write certain things, I think about what I'm writing them, much like when I said I was reading books, and so I'm not sure whether I should include what these thoughts are, and how. Anyway, I'm rambling a little, and I think I'm going to stop.
This thread has reminded me how hard it is for me to stop thinking.
Another interesting idea that kind of relates to this is how typing while I'm thinking sort of slows down how quickly I think. As I'm typing these words, I see them in my mind, but only as I begin to type that word.
I find that this thread is fairly interesting and I did something similar in my 8th.. or seventh grade year. That's odd how I just typed 8th but then seventh... and now I'm questioning whether I am actually writing every little thought that is occurring in my brain. For instance, I just noticed the little windows 7 alert in the bototm right of my screen, but as I was typing this sentence, I started to misspell bottom and it completely changed my train of thought. Which is an interesting phrase to say the least. Are you to imply that our thought process is on a one-way traintrack. My thoughts are fairly sporadic so my train track would be very poorly built. Inefficient so to speak. I am curious as to how long I had been writing before interrupted. You see, my brother's Fiancee just showed up to take some packages to him in Virginia so I had to go upstairs. I had not counted my time typing and I now believe I may have exceeded the amount of time I need to spend on this post. However, it may quite the opposite because I am horrible at time.
this thread reminds me of that other thread i once posted a stream nice thought process on, i had a good time while making it and i guess im having as a good a time now. I guess i talked about my dead dog who i had to put down at the time, or it was possibly that life is hard and all that bitchy stuff those cool teenagers always seem to talk about, emo girls are hot ... i like emo girls sorry its just what im thinking about now, i really like hot emo girls ... not the slutty emo girls that are plastered all over the internet, more so the ones that your just sat there on the bus and you look over and go "oh theres a hot emo girl" ah well good times with that. I was in dublin for st paddies day today and i realised how much more culturally diverse it has become, if you rewind 10 years you would see about .5 of the amount of african people that i saw the other day... i have absolutely nothing against them or anything just it was like i was in a different country for a second, is the cultural barrier between countries crumbling and everywhere while unique is going to feel the same? IMO thats kinda shite.
ahhhh that was fun i like
i like doing that when i dont have anything in particular to focus on.
"Error E2061 date.h 13: Friends must be functions or classes"-Borland c++ compiler.
Are you to imply that our thought process is on a one-way traintrack.
I'll answer with my own thoughts:
Mainly, I think that we're capable of perceiving things we aren't aware that we are. Like currently I'm got my 2nd monitor, two windows to the outside, and a lamp all in my peripherals. Am I typing what I can sort of see in those objects? No, but I could. We can only convey our minds in one stream at a time, its really hard to both type and talk about two different things simultaneously. Sure, for a brief "yes or no" question I could easily handle this task, but try answering a long question while conveying your mind, it's damn near impossible without dramatically slowing down either process. The way I see my thoughts is like a giant freeze frame, and when I try to convey them it feels like I'm doing it slower than I am thinking, especially when I try to talk as fast as I'm thinking, because I usually get tongue tied and really frustrated and have to stop, slowdown and start over. I love stream of conscious because it is kind of like a small segment into someones thought process, it can't be taken at face value, but it kinda shows how organized someones thoughts are. When I'm intoxicated I'm all over the place, but even then I usually have a gradual topic shift. Though I like seeing the mini shifts in my thoughts, like hills on a road almost. I start here, and over time end up on something completely different.
P.S. you can spell check after you're done, there is no rule against that, lol!
I pretty much write everything in stream of consciousness style. I don't believe in censoring my thoughts. The only time I ever go back and change what I've typed is if it's a typo or I missed some punctuation. Like right now I just noticed I spelled consciousness incorrectly. Thank god for spellcheck built into chrome.
My first exposure was senior HS year reading Faulkner (go down moses to be precise) then I went to read Finnegans Wake by James Joyce. That one's a killer.
I don't really express myself through words that much, I mean, I do when Im talking obviously but I've never written a "paper" or poem or whatever unless it was for class. I prefer to get it out through music or punching something depending on the mood. But in junior, senior year in HS and freshman year of college what I'd do for english classes is wait until the day before a paper is due and just snort some adderall and write the whole paper in like a half hour. And it almost always works for me. For expressive writing I always got A's and everything else was usually Bs.
Sometimes I find myself not exactly lost, but feeling that way. I know I'm not lost, but it's how I feel. I've been having shit for sleep the last few days due to a shitty bed and my mind going off in far too many directions. If I let it wander I end up daydreaming about my ex either dying, or us being in a relationship again (which fucking hurts because reality is actually so happy right now). I feel as if part of my mind just hit last week and stopped on Tuesday. I'm going nowhere fast. Yet at the same time I'm going plenty of directions, both physically and mentally, I'm getting out way more, I actually have a sense of self confidence, but the only part is that my mind still drifts insanely and I just drop out of reality so often it's not very comfortable to be with my own mind anymore. Either that or I'm overwhelmed by the beauty of being alive and I'm just physically lost in it, I do and feel things positively, but I think them negatively. I can't just be in the moment. I don't feel like I'm doing anything. But then, what is "doing" something? I can go do whatever the fuck I want as long as it doesn't cost much money lol because I'm broke as shit. I "do" more than tons of people, I don't sit around and play video games all day. I suppose what it is is that I want to spend less time ALONE, because my mind when I'm alone gets really screwy, even though most of the activities I enjoy are solitary ones, and I know that I'm generally different from a lot of people and unable to relate to them in most cases. So it's like, I want to meet people and communicate with them, but not actually be with them. Or I'm sortof afraid that if I'm with them I'll get distracted from what I feel is a "goal" in life, and I'd be unable to accomplish anything if all I do is go off and do inane bullshit with people I hardly identify with. Then again, I do have a few people I identify with, but oddly enough, they also enjoy being alone, and it's like, we... can't exactly do a whole lot of shit if we're all alone. So if I want to be with people I identify with, it's extremely minimal, we do things for a couple hours, then return to ourselves and whatever it is we're doing. But I can't leave my mind alone anymore. Hell, I'm not even bored right now, I'm just feeling really weird. I'm happy and positive, my mind isn't exactly wandering into total daydreams at the moment, but it's like just a constant "WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?" and a reply "Nothing is in need of being done. It's all ok." but the negative thoughts return and it's a cycle I go through every day of my life. I go from happiness to lonliness to happiness to being confused then to I don't know where the fuck, and it's the same thing every day.
Jesus God man, just typing that out made me feel like I'm exactly on track and everything in existence is fucking fantastic.
So I just got the door for the pizza guy. He was all nice and stuff, and I gave him a tip. But when he left, he said something in spanish, and I really don't know spanish, so I thought he might be some kinda hitman who put a pizza in a bomb, I mean... ya...
I've been having less grip on my life goals than ever. I am headed down one path, which I'll eventually be down forever, but it's like I can see the other side of the bridge and it's the other path and all I have to do is pray that bridge doesn't break. I have no idea why I just said pray, lol! I honestly think some of those sayings get engraved into our subconscious forever. Anyway, I really want to start doing event photography, and I am in teh position where I am kinda working for free for some people who would gladly pay me to do more work than I am already doing (I assume if they ever got big) so my only thing is, I'm not giving these opportunities there all, yet the people who I'm with all think I do great work. If I were to give it 100% I may be getting a job... but at 0 benefits / a lot less pay and crazy work ours... but it'd be so worth it! I think maybe if I wait than I can try and get more money if they get bigger, but they would probably have enough money to get with someone who has a lot more equipment. On the other hand I can stay down the Networking path, eventually be making six figures and just keep my passions as my free time.... but I feel like I'll miss out on so much! Fortunately my current company lets me go on vacation as long as I have PTO, and I've got classes all week and most concerts are in the evening... so I'm pretty cool with saving money and PTO for years and just going on plenty of vacations. Suckiest part is that the job doesn't give much variety. All IT work revolves around routine, and even though I like routine to an extent, I hate routine so... routinely if that makes any sense (probably not).
So... another day where I go to space because I can't handle things here on Earth. I'm astonished at the beauty of the trees and their shadows as the setting sun floats over them, spreading color throughout the environment. I am just so fucking tired and gone. I'm literally tired, I didn't sleep much last night (as usual), I'm burnt out, I'm tired of trying so hard to escape because there's nothing here. I can't even watch Lord of the Rings (and I fucking love those movies lol). I tried watching 2001 A Space Odyssey earlier, and while yes, I was able to keenly observe human behaviour and think deeply about philosophical concepts, it still ended up with me overthinking absofuckinglutely everything in life and my mind overloaded again and I broke down. I can't stop myself. I tell people to calm down and go with the flow of things, and I look calm to them, but my mind is in an overloaded state of sorrow 80% of the time people talk to me. I wouldn't be me without it, but if that's the case, on many levels, I would not want to be myself. I've seen the great perfection in life, I've felt unity with everything around me, but it has passed right by me and hasn't helped me LIVE much. Ultimately I'm just a lonely person, most of my friends are constantly busy (and I don't have too many either). Things are going in the "direction" they should be, I suppose, I'm doing fine in school and slowly applying for jobs at my own pace; things just get to me though. I do need more time with others. I can't conjure that out of thin air, nor can I force it. Things are going alright, I guess, it's just this draining patience for fulfillment that's getting to me. Must the philosopher be destined to solitude and sadness forever? Is that the fate of all thinkers? Most of my friends would agree that I'm far too nice to feel like such shit all the time. I'd like to think it's "time for something great to happen" but I can't ever know that, and hope leaves room to be shot down which makes things worse. I've got some small intuitive feeling that things may "pick up" or whatever, but that's just based off of my whole philosophy based around "life is perfect and everything ultimately works at the time of death, so stop worrying", which in turn was developed to try and help myself calm down (which doesn't exactly work). I suppose I just need a hug once in a while or something from someone with whom such a thing would carry meaning and comfort. I love life so much, it is so great, but not being able to consistently appreciate it kills me.
Lol I guess writing like that is cathartic, I have a memo file on my desktop that I write dreams and thoughts in. It sorta helps me out. However medication is never the solution, and my patience constantly wears thin. Or it was thinned for a long time and hasn't been replenished. It's as if I'm "too little butter scraped over too much bread". I can't have conversations with my good friends without making some sort of complaint about life and ultimately seeming like I need comfort (but I always feel they do things out of obligation and not because they have any true means of comforting me), so things are still rough lol. Not that bad, but rough. I live. I'm better than I was a couple weeks ago, lol holy shit man. Or, at least I think I am. I probably am. I'm just so tired. I wanna wake up and have a slowly improving day for once, not a day where either nothing happens, or one that seems half decent then declines anyway. I can't even be happy at a party or something without having my evening clusterfucked at the end by old relationship problems and mental torture. The party before that I don't even think I was happy once though. Maybe that means next party I'll finally be consistently happy for once... meet someone maybe... I'd like to choose hope if it didn't hurt, because my brain automatically over analyzes everything so I see the consequences of everything and it becomes overwhelming. All I can do is stay as high as possible and glide through the rough patches, it's certainly better than lonely sobriety (...I think... talking to color because you have no people to talk to is also pretty saddening.) Meh, I'll keep using discretion. Fuck, I don't even own a pipe so I can't smoke whenever I want... naturally, my ex was supposed to give me her old one but we have so little contact as friends it's saddening too. I need more time with people I can relate to, fucking hell. I need a hug from a good friend. I need security, my mind being overwhelmed by possibilities and probabilities is just too much to handle by myself. I'm at the point where being comforted can actually do nothing but good, I've experienced losing myself in it and now know what not to do. I just really need it. There's no reason for it not to happen, aside from not being able to relate to most people, no one generally giving a fuck what I have to say because I'm too weird, or things just being shit. I guess this is where some people would pray to Jesus for their problems to be solved. I just get stoned and listen to music and ramble endlessly on the internet because I've got no human beings to speak face to face to.
I'm afraid if I go to sleep now I'll be up in the middle of the goddamn night, so I have to stay awake. Sleeping doesn't even help anymore either, things even get to me in fucking DREAMS, all I remember from last night's dream was that I hugged a pillow or something because I was sad and alone, and my room was an extension of something... It just reflected life with a couple absurd factors thrown in. I woke up feeling lonely and hugging a pillow. I'd like to practice happier things but it's very hard to do so right now. I am not in a position to think life is all rainbows and puppy dogs. My mind is not made for that. Or seems to be, fuck if I really know anything, let alone what I'm talking about. Yep, just need a friend to calm down with. A lover to be close to. To just be. Not to think.
I live here. I cried when I saw the new movie in theaters because I knew it and hated it. Yet I love life and Alice In Wonderland so much... And it was a great movie... and the last time I did anything decent with my ex, save for going to the park for about an hour and having her hiding shit from me thus devaluing our friendship. I was horribly misdirected during that time of my life. I'm doing a lot better and literally not trying to fill a void. All I need is a hug though, fuckin srs lol... escapist bullshit, yet I've got nothing else. or feel that way.
I've just baked an apple cake- oh wait, that's wrong, I must edit it *backspace*. I've just put an apple cake into the oven. Can't wait to taste it, I'm pretty sure it's gonna taste awesome. I've never made an apple cake before, so let's see. I got this jacket that I ordered a few days ago. Actually I haven't got it, I just paid for it, and now it's at the postal office. Is it even called that in English? I don't know. I live in Denmark. I like to read about Americans and their complaints about stuff. Because Denmark is a lot different than the US, it's very funny to read, and makes me feel super awesome. I like feeling awesome. For instance, why did I choose this avatar? Because I'm in love with the game it's from? No. Because I think it's awesome. I do a lot of awesome things. Lol, what is an awesome thing? I don't know. I bought an awesome jacket. Fuck yea. I'm actually eating pizza right now - oh yea that's another thing I love to read on forums, like because I live in Denmark, I'm living in GMT +1, which is like 7-9 hours in the future from America and Canada. I love reading shit like "Gonna eat dinner" and then it's like in the middle of the night, or when people in a game are like "g2g, bed" and you're all like sitting in the school and stuff, just totally wasted laughing. Lol in the school I once won an Xbox 360. Or well, I just found out that I won it while I was in school. Best math class ever. Oh damnit, now it has been 5 minutes. Bye.
Interests:Entertainment,____, watching pure pwnage, pwning noobs, philosophy.
Nice stuff you guys, especially Eraserhead -- very...revealingly honest.
My rule of thumb is: if it makes sense, then it's probably not a stream of consciousness, but wth, maybe my mind is just too much of a mess. (Added punctuation so that it's not gibberish):
"Look at me …...<insert name here>... look at me I am your friend." It said and he looked, stared into the screen that shadowed all his surroundings. "Balagh." What should I say ? Is there anything to say. I cannot express emotions I cannot talk if my fingers do not belong to me. They do not respond. I am not 1. I am 2 with the keyboard. Back to the future. Back to the bad dream. Men are no longer men. There is only man, for man never meets man. Only 1 man can exist. The beings of silicone. Valley of dreams; silicone valley of the American dream of free love, and deserts. Brutal deserts with the Gunslinger riding down, yet no horse. The bushes; what do we call them – fire; a camp-fire. A knife. Fallkniven A1 sharp, black, deadly snake. Kill Bill and Budd; and Beatirx will die soon. The cereal on the floor is crunchy. Her knife in her sheath. Does she cut the sheath? Leather sheath. Kydex is better...
Not exactly 5 minutes. That started out as me narrating from the 3rd person, lol.
"If I continue with this shit I'm going to end up in jail, in a hospital, or dead. Or all 3." -- Joby
Nice stuff you guys, especially Eraserhead -- very...revealingly honest.
Yeah, if stream of consciousness is about the thoughts on one's mind, and my mind has just gone through a lot, then it's gotta be pretty intense. Though it's not like being revealing over the internet has any meaning lol, I'm not even sure why I did it. I guess I'm also just jumping right into another streamlined post here. Well then, that was an unexpected transition... Well, I guess if venting is something that I do often, even if there's nothing to vent about, then I uh... Won't be able to finish that last sentence because it wasn't a fully developed idea LOL. All I've really got to say at this point is that life is pretty good. Sure, I could ask for more, like more people to relate to so I don't literally become dependent on 3 people for boredom relief or whathaveyou, but it's like a mutual thing between all of us so there's not really anything wrong here. I often feel my emotions are reflective of the weather, with sunny days bringing happiness etc etc. I know most people could probably identify with that point, however, I really honestly do. Not that sunshine definitely means I'm going to be super blissful all day, but that seems to be the consensus here, at least, in contrast to cloudy days. I don't feel bad at the moment, just dull. It's cloudy for the first time in a little while here. I think I've finally stopped having an explosive mindfuck every time I think about life, it's not like "whoa man the influences from the past like my childhood and the events therein have brought me to this point in time and it's insane so I have to keep thinking about it?!?!"... It's more like, "Cool. I'm here. I still have many things to think about. But that's just me." I also wouldn't have super epic happy days if I was constantly happy, I should have days like this. And I do. Life is still perfect. Life was always perfect. Perfection does not always bring bliss, however. I occasionally wish I had a close sibling that I grew up with, which I guess stems from my general desire to feel close to people. That desire isn't overwhelming anymore nor is it something I'm ultimately bothered about. We've all got our faults. I am living and I love it. I guess tomorrow or the next day I should uhhh apply for some more jobs or something, it'll help eliminate the monotony of things and whatnot. I still find it odd that occasionally I have to look into the mirror just so I can see in 3rd person to help me put things into perspective... Actually, that's kinda cool... Who else looks in a mirror so they can gain perspective on their life, and not just for vanity? I should get on getting a job so that I can buy food and things to cook with... I have a fairly strong urge to learn how to make things... My dad even bought me what's apparently the best vegan cookbook evar zomg 11!!!11... Occasionally when I start thinking in this fashion I delve into a realm saturated with the feeling that I know something that other people don't, like my potential and ultimate position in life is so humanly fantastic that I just want to get there immediately. Hell, even people who I don't know always think of me as some sort of leader type. I don't know why though if I have no more direction in my life than they do. Maybe through continuing to interact with others I'll learn even more about myself than I will with simple introspection... Maybe... Actually, probably lol, the last few months have been so intense, primarily because I've been with people more than ever (though still not quite enough as I have grey days like this where I'd just want someone to be with). Another day or two of this and I might literally feel sad or something. But something also tells me that's not going to happen
Interests:Psychology, chocolate, Philosophy, Physics, Meditation, Yoga, Environmentalism, Video Games, Societal change, having teh fun, embracing alternative states of consciousness, laughing, intertubes, photography, gardening, food, cooking, baking, eating, smelling, tasting, touching, loving, living....
This kind of thing is a good exercise. When I first started reading the thread I thought to myself 'this is like virtual therapy'... people all talking crazy talk! I do agree with the sentiments that people are for the most part crazy. To add to that, in all honesty I wonder a number of similar things about my contribution to this forum, to my friends lives and to the world in general... I question sometimes whether or not what I say or do has significance or meaning beyond the words on the screen. Wondering if I've made people think differently or just think about something new. Truthfully I know that it does-my existence that is- and yours as well- does indeed affect people you know and love and care or cared for. People all have the underlying need to belong (or so theories of human desires and needs state)... I've spent 5 years in an institution learning about Psychology and Cognitive Science. What a mind fuck. Honestly, some of the most useless things ever to learn about... and at the same time so of the most useFUL things to know. I can't say I'm a walking encyclopedia, but I think I have a better grasp of what it is to be a conscious being with the capacity to think and I don't believe one needs to have been immersed in study to reach that state. Thinking.... I think therefore I am? I am because I think.... I can think? what the hell does that mean?? can a ladybug think? if it does, what does it think about? (my house in this past fall was full of ladybugs who were warding off their death by living off the mites in my sun room until all the mites were gone and it was winter) is it all on automatic pilot for bugs? ... these are things we cannot know. I cannot know for certain what you think so it is up to me to think what I will of what you may think... consider all the possibilities... or as many as possible and try not to settle on the worst case scenario. Usually it isn't as bad as we think it is. Some people believe that people who think too much are missing out on things. To that I say... you cannot possibly be awake or even asleep without thinking... that being said the definition is broad... or at least the definition I am using is broad. When you are typing and your fingers are responding to neurochemical signals that is part of your thoughts whether or not you attend to that as such is up to you.. I suppose if you wanted to place 'thinking' into a more neat little package it could just be all the nonsense words that come out of your minds language faculties. But even that isn't totally clear. I find words a bit limiting tbh, but thinking is limitless...which can make it challenging to stop the narrative, but... refocus that brain of yours on to breathing for 5 minutes a day, then 10 minutes a day, then 30 minutes at a time... and see what happens...
this could go on and on... fun. Thanks for your posts.
(officially took about 9 minutes I think... time shmime).