Okay, so this is probably gonna be one of those "am I really that old?" posts, but I'm writing it anyway, come what may!
So I just saw this ad for that dumb VH1 show where some chick goes back in time to the 90's and I'm all: "Isn't it a little early to be revisiting the 90's?" Are they really that different from nowadays? I mean, I guess I'm aware that nearly 2 decades have gone by since then, but still...they had Color Me Bad and New Kids on the block, the 2000's had N Sync and BSB and now we have One Direction and 7 days of Summer (oh, wait, they're not a boy band, they said so). Oops! I mean, 5 Seconds of Summer (after Googling it). So maybe that's the deal. Maybe I'm just <gasp> out of touch...
Is this what happens when you get old? Decades just come and go and it all feels the same to you? Holy crap, am I wearing "90s" clothes" and don't even know it?!
Okay, after a quick trip to the bathroom to check my tags, I'm wearing light-blue, faded, boot-cut, Levis-brand jeans, with a small hole in the knee. They are neither acid-wash, or stone-wash, so I think I'm safe, there. Levis are kinda timeless, right? Okay, on top, I've got and Izod pullover. Now, I know what you're thinking: "'80s! Even WORSE!" But there's no little alligator on the left chest or anything. It's just a simple, solid, navy-blue long-sleeve top with a thin, light-blue and white stripe across the chest. I think I'm okay so far. Finally, I've got a pair of all-white sport shoes with 3 velcro straps. Tag on the tongue says 1904 and there's kind of a Converse-looking star above it...anyway, I'm pretty sure they're safe because I inherited them from my brother who's 14 years younger than I am. So if those are out of style, it's his fault (but that probably doesn't get me off the hook for wearing them anyway).
So, yeah, I realize Grunge destroyed rock music forever somewhere in there but that was just kind of a speed bump that we all kind of ignored on our way to the present day. Are the 90's really that different and exciting than our current-day modern Utopia? Please leave a comment and let me know I'm just fine and not an old fuddy-duddy.....or confirm my worst and deepest fears....your choice.
Let me ask you a question. Say you're in your car and you see another car coming but you have the right of way. They don't seem to notice you, though. Do you pull out and get in a wreck just so you can point the finger after the fact and tell them that they were wrong and that you had the right of way? Or do you momentarily set aside your right of way and wait for the other car to pass and then go on your way even though they were "wrong?"
I'm convinced that there are people that would choose the first option. It's completely worth the inconvenience of not having a car for awhile (or having to use a rental) while their car is being repaired and the risk of personal injury in order for them to be able to say "I'm right and you're wrong." I find that ludicrous. I'd much rather avoid the accident altogether. Sure it's annoying that my "rights" have been temporarily suspended by some idiot, but I'd much rather avoid the situation entirely.
No, I've never encountered this situation and it's not really the specific situation that I want to focus on. It's the attitude in the first illustration that I wish to explore. What makes someone that way? Is being morally right really more important than concerns such as personal safety? I think this type of attitude is manifest in a lot of ludicrous lawsuits these days. I'd much rather not get injured than slip and fall in front of an Apple store and get the opportunity to sue them. I'm not saying that I wouldn't sue them if that happened to me, if I truly felt that it was their fault. But I think there are people that actively pray that some horrible thing will befall them just so that they can sue someone and mete out sweet justice on the evil doer.
That makes me think of gun owners. Not all gun owners but some. People own guns for all sorts of different reasons. I'd probably buy one myself if I had some disposable income and nothing else to do with it. Who wouldn't want to own an Uzi or an AK or a Desert Eagle? I mean that stuff's cool! But when it comes right down to it, would I really want someone to break into my house so I can unload on the motherf***az? No. No, I'd like to avoid that situation altogether. But again, there's some dude out there right now, packin' heat and hoping beyond all hope that someone will just look at them wrong so that they can whip that bad-boy out and unleash the will of God on that filthy perp!! What makes someone like that? I'm sure we all have fantasized about that very thing from time to time, but as I've pointed out before, fantasy and reality are two different things. Oh, I haven't pointed that out before?
Okay, well, I think every guy has fantasized about the ol' menage trois, right? Two chicks for the price of one, woo-hoo! But now insert your wife/girlfriend in there as one of the chicks and it gets a little sticky (pun sort of intended). Do you really want your wife/girlfriend macking on another woman? Now imagine the morning after. Kind of awkward...what if your wife/girlfriend decides she likes the other chick more than you, etc. etc. That's why fantasy is fantasy and reality is reality and the twain shall never meet.
I have it on good authority that many women fantasize about rape scenarios. Does that mean that women actually want to be raped in reality? Of course not! In a fantasy, the fantasizer is in control of every aspect of the scenario. So we can fantasize about all sorts of crazy stuff but it doesn't mean we desire that in real life. In fantasies there are no consequences. Of course, in real life, there are always consequences.
So getting back to the revenge scenario. We've all had revenge fantasies, but deep down, they're just that, fantasies. What I'm talking about is the special breed of person that actually wants those fantasies to come true. Psychos, in other words. Don't be one.
Is Maroon 5 the Sugar Ray of the 2010s? I know, who cares, but just stick with me for a second. Do any of you even know who Sugar Ray was/is (I'm talking the band, not the boxer that the band was named after)? They were a kind of lame alt rock band back in the 2000s and they were popular as hell for a while there. They were as popular as, oh..I dunno.....as popular as say, Maroon 5 is today. I know, Maroon 5 is lame, but just stick with me for a second. Whether you like them or not, you hafta admit Maroon 5 is pretty damn popular right now. They're everywhere. But so was Sugar Ray back in the day and they're nowhere to be found now. I mean, seriously can you even name a Sugar Ray tune? If you could would you even listen to it? Yeah, well, that's gonna be Maroon 5 in a couple of years. Let's look at the evidence:
Both bands were/are led by a douchey, tatooed front-man who likes to sing with his shirt off. What do I mean by douchey (besides singing with your shirt off)? Sugar Ray's Mark McGrath once quipped to his co-host at an awards show: "Smell my finger. It's Madonna" Heh-heh...I don't know if he actually did finger Madonna and thought he was cool for doing something that pretty much everyone else had already done, or if it was wishful thinking. Either way, douche! And Adam Levine (Maroon 5's singer)? Just look at him! Douche! But it doesn't stop there.
After his band stopped being cool, Mark McGrath became a co-host on Extra (which is an even lamer version of Entertainment Tonight) and went on to star in a few other retarded reality/game shows. Adam Levine is currently a coach on The Voice. Hmmm...but then there's the music. That's what really matters, right? Both bands do catchy little pop songs that are quickly forgotten once the radio has stopped force-pumping them into your car. Listen to these and tell me they're not from the same band: Sugar Ray's "Every Morning," and Maroon 5's "This Love." Maroon 5 is gonna burn out and fade away is what I'm saying.
Speaking of douches, "This Is The End" comes out this week. Now, I don't care if you're a fan of James Franco, or Seth Rogen or any of the other dudes in this movie. It's the premise that is bugging me. It smells of "me and my buddies thought it would be cool if we filmed ourselves partying and showed it to everybody." If I were to do that, everyone would call me a douche (and they'd be right). "Douche" is the word of the day, by the way. My buddies (and your buddies) are funny and when we get together hilarity ensues, but no one wants to watch it. So why would I want to see these guys do the same thing on the big screen. Sure, they have a big budget and special effects and they're famous and stuff, but all that aside, it's just a bunch of buddies hanging out and telling jokes that they think are funny, right? And there's something seriously douchey about actors playing themselves. It's like: "I'm so cool I don't even have to play someone else. I'll just play myself and everyone will like me all the more because I'm awesome!" Are they even acting at that point? Would Michael Cera really touch Rihanna's butt at a party? Probably not. Okay then, he really is playing a part. He's Michael Cera playing the role of a dude named Michael Cera who touches the butt of Rihanna, who's playing a singer-chick named Rihanna. Confusing? So why don't they just avoid all this crap and have Michael Cera play a dude named Jimmy that touches the butt of a singer-chick named CeCe (played by Rihanna)?
Then again, maybe I'm just jealous of Seth Rogen and Mark McGrath and Adam Levine and all their success and money and hot babes. Maybe I'm just a jealous, bitter, frustrated shell of a man sitting in his cubicle at a crummy job that pays much less than "rock-star" or professional comedian."Maybe I'm the douche. Then again, maybe it's just a role I'm playing......
I haven't reflected on life for a while now and since I just saw Iron Man 3 the other day and not too many people have seen it yet, I can't really talk about it to anyone so I thought I'd vent here in this space. Now, I don't wanna spoil it for you either so let me talk about sexual positions, first. But know you THIS! As soon as I'm done talking about sexual positions....IRON MAN 3 SPOILERS!!!
K, so Doggy Style...kind of awkward. Not physically awkward, it's just....let's face it, nothing about this position even remotely says "I love you." It's kinda more like " I wanna use you like a piece of f***able furniture," if we're being honest. But, (since we're being honest) it's awesome! Needless to say I don't use that one on my wife very often. She's actually way more cool with it than she should be, but I still try to use it sparingly. Same goes for Reverse Cowgirl (Girl on top, turned around with her back facing you). "Here, honey stare at my feet for awhile while I bust a quick one..." Can't be all that fun for her....
Now, Iron Man 3.......I get what they were trying to do with this movie. Tony Stark has become too reliant on his armor and he finally realizes that it's not the armor, it's the man. I GET that! But by the same token, the name of the movie is IRON MAN. So when 3/4 of the movie is Tony Stark walking around not being Iron Man, I can't help but feel a little gypped. Also, this movie was trying waaaay too hard to be Dark Knight Rises. I like that they tried to tie the trilogy up in a nice bow the way Batman 3 tied up that series, but....I dunno if they succeeded. I mean, they Dark-Knighted the Mandarin, by bringing him down to earth, but then they give us "fire-people?!!" What was that shit? That bugged me, too. It was an interesting plot twist but, I was all pumped to see an Iron Man/Mandarin showdown and instead, I get Iron Man Vs. fire...guy? Lame.
Also, I can suspend reality to some degree, while Iron Man is flying around killing terrorists and crap, but watching average citizen Tony Stark walk into a Florida compound and start shooting up muthafuckaz with his Home Depot gun and Tree-ornament grenades, I couldn't help but think there just might be some legal repercussions...I mean he just straight murdered, like half a dozen henchmen and he doesn't have a "license to kill" or anything he's just an average person like you and me. I suppose the President could pardon him or something, but still...
And speaking of the Florida compound; While he's there, tied to a bed frame (and surprisingly not being sexually assaulted) he summons his armor. I'm like:"Oh, cool, he brought his armor and stowed it outside or something, cool. But no. We then see the garage in frigging Tennessee with his armor pieces desperately trying to fly out of the chained door to envelope Tony. I don't care what type of awesome technology he's using, there's no way a bunch of non-aerodynamic pieces of armor are going to make the trip from Tennessee to Florida in less than an hour or two, let alone the 5-10 minutes that it takes in the movie. So, yeah, I really wanted to like this movie a whole lot more than I did. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't Transformers 3 or anything, but it definitely wasn't all it could (and should) have been....
So the other day, I pull into my parking garage and I find an open spot next to a mini on the very end of the row next to the stairwell. The mini has backed in and parked nearly on top of the yellow line closest to me, but I squeeze in (to the spot) and squeeze out (of my car) and go on about my day. Well, I'm halfway home when I notice a note on a piece of cardboard box under my windshield wiper. Amused that it took me that long to notice it, I continue on home and then take a look at the note on arrival at my home: "Your A Fucking Dumb Ass." I had a good laugh.
First off, dumbass, it's dumbass, not Dumb Ass, unless you really do think I'm a donkey that can't talk. And "You're," not "Your."
Next, I should be mad at you, not the other way around. You were the moron who can't park a friggin' MINI within the yellow lines of a parking space and you're yelling at me?!! Sheesh...
Was talking to a friend and he said something about Jay Z running for president someday and I was all...yeah. He's rich, black, has a built-in audience that would vote for him and would make for one hell of an entertaining election campaign. Don't know how smart he is but if he was even half-way smart I might be tempted to vote for him. Beyonce for First Lady?! And people thought Michelle Obama was hot...
PP's back...apparently? I honestly don't know what to think atm...it doesn't really feel real. I mean, that vid was pretty cryptic. I'm glad others could interpret it for me. So I guess I'm just in wait and see mode right now. When there's an actual new episode I'll go from there.
I think people need to be prepared, though. It's not gonna be like old times. I mean, we were all in another place, another time in our lives when PP was first on. A lot of you were teenagers and now you're young adults, so don't expect it to have the same effect on you. Geoff, Jarrett and co. were also in a different stage of their lives and so they might view things from a different perspective, too. All I'm saying is, there's a huge opportunity for people to experience a letdown of sorts. Let's just chill and see where this goes. Let the hype die down a little and lower your expectations so we can all enjoy this for what it is...
Happy 9/11. Forgive but never forget.
Okay, so now we've got One Direction and The Wanted entering the scene, and I'm all wtf? Are we really gonna do the boy band thing again? Didn't we already go through this stage and get over it? Are we doomed to repeat the same cycle over and over again? So I started thinking...maybe so...maybe it's a cycle we've been going through all along and I've just been blind. See, I thought the whole boy band thing started with the Backstreet Boys and N'Sync, when in fact, it goes back much, much further....
I mean, in the '60s you had the Beatles. They were a boy band, right? Although, they had a bit more universal appeal and actually put out some decent music (at least from what I'm told). Then in the '70s you had the Monkees (which were manufactured in every conceivable way). In the '80s you had....hmm...okay the '80s were just weird...no boy bands but a lot of other wierd crap like New Wave and Hair Metal. Then the '90s had New Kids on the Block , Boyz 2 Men and Color Me Badd. But then Grunge kinda stomped in and crashed that party prematurely (and promptly died) and then we got Backstreet boys, et al. and now, we've finally come full circle with The Wanted ("I'm Glad You Came," actually like it) and One Direction ("You Don't Know You're Beautiful," sucks).
The reason it's a 10-year cycle is that the boy band splashes, teen girls everywhere go crazy, teen girls and boy bands both grow up, the relationship gets awkward, grown girls and grown boy-band go their separate ways, new boy band splashes with new teen fan base... unless of course some outside force (Grunge, for example) acts on the dynamic of the cycle and delays/disrupts it. But it never really kills it, the cycle just kind of morphs itself around the disturbance and reassembles itself...I guess when it comes to boy bands, we really do want it that way...
Which brings me to my next, somewhat unrelated, yet related point: Train. After "Drops of Jupiter," I expected them to go away and be a one-hit wonder but then they came back with "Hey Soul Sister," which I actually kind of liked, especially when they said hip-hoppy things like the "way you move ain't fair, ya know" and "I'm so gangsta, I'm so thug." Yeah, I know it's tongue-in-cheek, but still, I was like, white-boy's got some soul! And then comes "Drive-By, " with lines like "lookin' for a two-ply hefty bag to hold my love" and "they don't like it, sue me," and I'm like, okay, I'm almost sold, here, let's go check out the delivery. So I check out the vid on YouTube and.......dude sings it like a straight white-boy. I'm like, dude, SELL IT! How can you sing those dope lyrics with such a straight face? CRAAAAAP!
Don't get me wrong, I'm white. But I abhor white music for white people! Dave Matthews, Coldplay, etc. White is just not cool and never will be. When it comes to music, I don't want it that way...
So Avengers is out. Haven't seen it yet. I hear it's awesome though, and that really makes me happy. It gives me hope, something I've had precious little of for quite a while now. See, Avengers had to live up to nearly 3 years of hype and fairly good "prequels" (Iron Men were good, Thor, okay, haven't seen Captain America). Or did it? Maybe not. I bet it could have sucked, and the built-in audience still would have gone and seen it and probably would have gone and seen a sequel or two as well. Why do I say this? Because stupid zombified movie-goers flocked in droves to Transformers three damn times and made that ridiculous franchise successful! Hell, if Transformers 4 came out I bet people would flock to that as well! Oh, wait...it is coming out...tomorrow...
They're calling it "Battleship" and from the previews I've seen, it's Transformers...on a boat! Lots of big explosions, large metallic stuff that makes screeching, metallic sounds and probably a few chicks with boobs thrown in for good measure. Yay! Just what Americuh wants! Right? And see, that's why I've lost hope in humanity. Because humanity loves stupid crap movies (and songs and books and everything else, really).
But once in a while a beacon of hope appears. An Inception or an Avengers that makes this stupid world suddenly make sense. Here is my plea. Please, America, don't go see Battleship. Prove to me, the world, and yoursellves that you don't suck! Tell the movie industry that you won't go see just any big flashy mess that they decide to poop onto your local megaplex screen. Please, I beg you! Here, maybe watching this will put it into perspective for you...
I likes me some Baby Ruth! Yes, indeed. And it's taken me 40 or so years to finally figure out how to eat one. You know how every time you bite into one of those suckers, you get a shower of peanuts and chocolate all over your crotch? Sucks, huh? But that delicious combination of fudge, peanuts, rich caramel and chewy nougat (what the hell is nougat, anyway? I'm pretty sure it doesn't exist in nature) is just so worth it, that we continue to take it as the price of doing business. At least I did...until now! I figured out the other day, that if you just tilt your head upward, and take a bite, the shower of fudgy peanutty goodness falls directly into your mouth! Problem solved. Of course, you kinda look like an idiot, so just make sure no one sees you doing this and you're good...
Speaking of candy bars. M&M Mars, makers of Snickers actually paid some morons to come up with thier smart little thing where they have funny made up words on the backs of Snickers bars. You know the ones: SUBSTANSCIALICIOUS, PEANUTOPOLIS, NOUGATOCITY, etc. Why do I say morons? Because this ad campaign seems clever at first until you look at it a little closer.
"SUBSTANTIALISCIOUS." A sly merging of the words "substantial" and "delicious," right? Only "delicious isn't spelled d-e-l-i-S-c-i-o-u-s, is it? Where'd the extra 'S' come from? Hmm...
Then I looked on the inside of the wrapper and found that they actually define the made up words in there.
Nougatocity: "A heightened, yet fleeting state of accomplishment that makes you realize how unbelievably unmotivated you normally are." Okay, heightened and fleeting realte to velocity but what does any of the rest of that definition have to do with "nougat?"
But that pales in comparison to this:
Peanutopolis: "A state of mind making you feel very strong and powerful, almost mayor-like." This is wrong on so many levels....where to start....so, mayor-like is a reference to the word "Metropolis." Which is kinda funny until you really look at what we've got going on here. Metropolis is two latin roots stuck together: Metro (city) and polis (mother). Put them together and you get (literally) mother city, or (figuratively), mother of all cities. Remove "metro" (or met, as is the case here) and replace it with "peanut" and you get mother of all peanuts, sort of (again, "opolis" doesn't really mean anything by itself, technically, but since peanutopolis is a made-up word anyway, I'll suspend my disbelief in order to continue to my next point). Okay, so now tell me, what in all creation does "mayor-like" have to do with "mother of all peanuts?" Nothing.
Nice one guys. You made up a word, confused it with a word that was PART of one of the words you combined to make the word in the first place (that isn't there anymore) and based your entire definition of the new word on the part of the word that isn't there anymore.
And some idiot exec at M&M Mars paid these guys?! With money?!!
Okay, perhaps I was a little harsh to the protesters. I mean, I can get behind most of the occupiers' ideals (even though most of them couldn't agree on what those ideals actually are). Corporate greed? Hell, yeah! Corporations are greedy scumbags. Why do I (and all the other peons) get paid a pittance to actually produce the product we sell, while the CEO, a couple VPs and the shareholders get to split the bazillions in profit that we make every year? I mean honestly, they could probably double the salary of the 250 or so employees that work here and it would be a tiny drop in the huge bucket of profits we rake in yearly. And yet, they won't even spare that "drop" of their precious profit margin...yes, I'm employed again as of June of last year and it both sucks and is nice. Nice to be able to feed my family (barely), sucks because I'm back in a soul-sucking corporate job. But I digress! In reading my last rant, please don't think I don't sypathize with the potesters in some ways. It's just that their methods often kill their message. I mean, you wouldn't wear flip flops and a t-shirt to a job interview (at least I hope you wouldn't) so why do you protest that way? If you want respect, respect other people. In this case, wear something that you didn't get on consignment.
Speaking of appearance, I was walking to the library at lunch and I passed a dude that could be me, like, 20 years from now. And we both looked at each other and it was just...wierd...'cause I was thinking what I knew he was thinking and ....yeah...we both had on leather jackets (mine brown, his black). He had long curly hair and a beard, like me, only his were gray and mine are brown. I was in this production a while back and I grew my hair out for the first time in my life. It's interesting. I've never even done facial hair, just cuz most guys I know that do facial hair are trying to prove something (namely that they're cool) which makes them kinda douchey. So I've avoided any kind of facial hair because I don't wanna be a douche that's trying to prove he's cool. It always seemed kinda dishonest to me. Well, all that changed when I joined this production and they told us all to grow our hair and beards. I figured, now I have a reason, so I don't have to feel douchey. Plus I'm not really trying to impress anyone anymore, as I'm married (and my wife's a big Alabama fan, anyway (yeah, lame, I know)). So I plunged in. And I actually kinda like it. The funny thing is I started this hair growing thing a couple months before I got called in to interview for this job. I thought about saying something at the time, but as the interview progressed, it was going so well, that I just stayed mum. I figured maybe it made me look more techy or something and yes, I did get the job. So in short, Protesters: clean it up a bit, everyone should meet their doppleganger, and future me is quite sexy. That is all.
As I was driving to work this morning I was flipping through channels and caught the tail end of Synchronicity II, by the Police, which was awesome. But even more awesome, was that I looked up just in time to see a semi-truck driving by with big blue, yellow and red stripes on the sideï¿½almost exactly like the blue, yellow and red stripes on the Police's Synchronicity album!!
Whoa! Mind blown!! The Police are one of the only 80's bands I can still listen to without dying a little inside, most likely because they're actually a late 70's - early 80's band rather than a pure 80's band. At any rate, I took it as a sign that it was going to be a good day, and it pretty much was. It also reminded me that police sometimes beat protesters, which reminded me of some protesters I saw on the way to work earlier this year.
Mind you, this was way back before all the Occupy crap started. I was driving to work and I pass a bunch of protesters protesting something about illegal workers taking their jobs or somesuch but before I could finish reading their sign, I noticed who was holding the sign, and I immediately dismissed whatever cause it was they were fighting for.
The dude was every protester you've ever seen. Tee shirt and jeans, no shoes, beard, nose and ear-rings, trendy glasses (that probably didn't have corrective lenses) and faux messy hair. Why is it that every protester you ever see fits this description? What are they trying to accomplish? I'll tell you. They're trying to feel like they're doing something meaningful without really doing anything. Because actually doing something would be hard. The hard thing they'd really have to do (which none of them ever will) would be to become part of society instead of hanging out on the fringes. If they really cared about animal abuse or legalized drugs or the homeless or corporate greed, or whatever, they'd work their way into mainstream society first, and then try to change it from within.
I learned this in High School. I won the election for Student Body Vice President over my rich friend who thought being friends with the 14 other cool kids in the school would somehow win the election for him. Notice I said he was my friend. I didn't stage a revolt with all the outcasts of the school rising up against the cool kid establishment. I was friends with the outcasts, sure, but I was also friends with the cool kids. But it took years of being friends, fitting in, and not alienating one group or another for me to get to a position where I could actually win the election. When I was finally in with the SBOs I was one of them. At that point I could set my subversive spirit free, and boy did I! At that point, though, I was "in." The other SBOs and our advisor had to listen to me even if they didn't like what I had to say (which was most of the time).
See, when a suicide bomber yells "death to America,"and blows himself and a few other people up at a nightclub (or crashes a passenger jet into a building or shoots up a school or whatever), we give him the middle finger and then go drop some bombs on his country. We don't stop for a second and think: "Gee, maybe that crazy bomber has a point about America being the great Satan and we should change." It's the same thing with these protesters. They're outsiders telling us to change. We don't care what they think, because they're not us. If Barrack walked into congress and said, "America has lost its way and we need to change" and detonated a bomb, we might be a little more inclined to take a good long look at ourselves.
If the protesters really cared about their pet causes, they'd sacrifice their so-called individuality and put on a suit and tie once in a while (and I'm not talking the skinny tie, black jacket, black jeans and black converse high tops that my brother-in-law wears on dressy occasions, but real dress clothes) and take out those piercings and cover up the tat on their bicep and comb their hair and join the rest of us (at least on the outside). At least until we got to know and love them, and then they could tell us about their cause and we might listen, because they'd be one of us. But that's something they'll never do. So do they really love their cause or are they more in love with being radical? And if they don't care enough about their cause to actually do something about it, then why should I?
This n*i*g*g*a just made an amazing discovery yesterday (and I'm not black but I said n*i*g*g*a anyway, and I put the asterisks because if you don't, it comes out: fasc's whore, which is gay. Now, some may call that racist, and it probably is, but it's much less racist than using n*i*g*g*a as a derogatory term. See, I'm using it as a cool term, because I'm using it to refer to myself, who I like. At any rate..)! See, one of my favorite meals of all time has always been two McDonald's cheeseburgers (sometimes 3) and an orange Hi-C. I don't know why, but it just is. It probably has something to do with a past experience from my childhood, but I try not to delve into my past experiences too much because they scare me. But that's another post for another time...
I used to order my burgers no pickles, no onions. For one thing I wasn't wild about pickles and onions. But the other reason was that if you ordered them that way, the "chefs" had to make 'em fresh and I could be sure that they hadn't been sitting under a heat lamp for 4 hours. Well, that all ended one day when the thought came to me (prompted by Eminem's "The Real Slim Shady" video) that maybe Miguel (or Pancho, or Lefty, or whoever) (racist, I know, but my grandfather's Mexican and I somehow think that gives me a right to poke fun at my own kind, even though I'm white for all intents and purposes) might be pissed that I'm making him/her do extra work and might spit in my food. So since then I've just manned-up and ordered 'em straight up. And I've found that it's actually worked out well, for the most part. Anyway, one day, a few weeks back I was at the drive-thru and I noticed the McDouble on the dollar menu, and I'm all...."wait a minute....." but I was too chicken to break out of my routine, and ordered my usual 2 cheeseburgers. However, the wheels had been set in motion. So a few weeks later, I'm driving with my mom and she pulls into McDonalds and she's all: "want anything?" And I'm all: "yeah, gimme two McDoubles and an Orange Hi C. Well, just as I suspected, the McDouble is simply a cheeseburger with two patties instead of one and it costs exactly the same as a wimpy single cheeseburger!! Holy crap! I've been missing out on extra meat for who knows how long?!! So that was my big discovery. So you can be damn sure what I ordered yesterday, when I was at Mickey D's! Yup, two McDoubles and an icy cold Orange Hi-C, baby!!
"But Brandon," you say, "the McDouble is probably less healthy than the cheeseburger, cuz it's twice the fat!" I know, but really, if I'm eating at McDonald's in the first place do I really care about healthy eating? No. And I honestly think that McDonald's is the only place that even sells orange Hi-C anymore. Again, I don't know why I love it and I don't care. But I do (love it) and I don't (care).
Now, the real reason that I'm writing this is because I really should be writing my novel right now, but I'm having trouble getting to it because my work ethic sucks. Even though I've been unemployed for 3 months and my family is depending on me finishing this damn book and making some money, I can't seem to do it. Lame, huh? I'll get it finished, somehow, but not the easy way. For some reason, I have to do everything at the last minute. It was that way in college (probably high school, too) and it's still that way. If I had a college paper due, I'd start it the night before, stay up late (usually all night) doing it (and then sometimes finish it that morning before I went to class). That loveliness followed me into work life where I do most of my work at the last minute. Maybe that's why I'm unemployed at the moment....maybe I should work at McDonald's. Nah, I was meant for greater things....just as soon as I finish my novel...
So, I just turned 40 the other day. Yeah, srsly 4 real. It really doesn't feel that weird...26 was weird...at that point, I realized I wasn't part of the 18-25 demographic anymore. I was definitely feeling my mortality. 40, not so much.
Now, I know what you're thinking: "what's a friggin' 40-year-old doing wasting his time with a bunch of kids on an internet forum?" I ask myself that all the time, believe me. There are several reasons, many of which may be justifiable and many of which may not. First off, I'm afraid of getting old. Not age-wise, but mentally. I don't wanna be that old grandpa with the rainbow suspenders and the polyester plaid pants that wanders around and wouldn't dream of leaving the house without his hat and gets mad at all the young whipersnappers and their loud music. I hate that guy! I've hated him since I was young. Old people are lame. Supposedly they have a lot of wisdom somewhere in that addled brain of theirs but even if they do (which I sometimes doubt) they can never impart it because who the hell's gonna listen? Not me, I can't get past the rainbow suspenders. I mean, if Marketing's taught us anything it's that the delivery is even more important than the message itself. If your delivery sucks, no one's gonna listen to what you have to say.
I wanna be cool and hang here with the cool kids (which is kind of a funny statement considering over 50% of you probably consider yourselves as "nerds," "geeks," etc.). I don't just hate old people, I pretty much hate all adults. They're all such self-important assholes. Okay, not all but, like, 90% of them. Who cares about your business and your little league team and how many deals you closed last month. Screw that. Gimme GD any day over that horseshit. Srsly, lol, roflmao.
As I get older, though, it seems that being cool takes more and more effort. I mean, I don't have as much money cuz I'm feeding kids and crap so I can't go drop $50 on a new pair of shoes and $65 on a fly new shirt. So I have to scour ebay and other shady sources to try and stay current and that takes effort. Sometimes, I wonder if the old guy with the rainbow suspenders one day just reached a point where the effort outweighed the reward of being cool and he just gave up. I don't want that to happen to me.
The guy in the next cube, who's 36, listens to the damn "modern music" station (which is a snobby way of saying 80's and 90's alternative). They haven't changed thier damn playlist since Curt Cobain bit the bullet! They still play 311 and Green Day for hell's sake! 311?!! Honestly?! See, what my cube-mate doesn't realize is that when he's 60, he's still gonna be listening to that crap and wearing a pair of rainbow suspenders and sucking a giant pair of nutz! I don't wanna be that guy.
And don't think I'm being fake and just trying to extend my youth by pretending to be cool on an internet forum. That's not the case. I genuinely like games (though I'm probably not a "hardcore" gamer) and I like the show (which is why I came here in the first place) and I like current music and hanging with friends (if you can really call internet pals friends). So here I am, and I'm not the oldest member on this forum (maybe the oldest active member). Like me or hate me, listen or ignore, or just plain think I'm a weirdo. That's entirely up to you. I'm here, for now, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Yeah, seriously. I invented the first internet forum. It was back in 9th grade even before Al Gore had invented the internet! I was 14 and I used to doodle on my desk in my classes even though it was punishable by death. Hell, sometimes Iï¿½d even use pen because I was a rebel like that. So I was in US history one day (or was it European history? Meh, historyï¿½s history) and I noticed that someone had actually added to my doodles! It was one of the coolest moments of my life! So, of course I doodled back. We actually started writing notes to each other on the desk. It was like Iï¿½d discovered plutonium! Whatï¿½s more, it was a girl (which was a very big deal to a 14-year-old heterosexual male). I finally got to the point where I got her name and she asked me for mine! But I looked her up in the yearbook and she wasnï¿½t that cute and then the teacher took some Windex and a rag to our beautiful creation and it was all overï¿½just like thatï¿½
So I attended traffic school the other dayï¿½As chronicled below, I managed to get two traffic tickets within the space of a two-week time span. The first one was for 5-over the speed limit, and cost me $90. I was damned if I was gonna pay an additional $25 processing fee and a $50 enrollment fee to take frigging traffic school! ï¿½Screw it" says I, "Iï¿½ll just take the points on my DL.ï¿½ But then the second ticket hit and the cop (after looking in his little computer, no doubt, and seeing that Iï¿½d received a citation mere days earlier on the same stretch of road) was in no mood to let me off easy. This ticket was for 23-over the speed limit and cost me $290! At that point I was afraid that my driverï¿½s license would spontaneously combust, immediately trip an alarm at my insurance company who would send out a dwarf in a fire hat to put out the fire and (subsequently) tack on $100,000 or so on to my monthly insurance premium.
So I woefully coughed up the extra $75 to sit for an hour and listen to Officer Bob BS about BS. In fact, it was the same Officer Bob who was there the last time I took traffic school, like, over 10 years ago! Same BS, too. This guyï¿½s a retired cop with gray hair and a handlebar moustache so heï¿½s easily recognizable. I honestly wonder how much of that $75 he sees. Probably gets $10 an hour and the Mayor spends the other $65 on booze and hookers.
Anyway, my stupid classmates couldnï¿½t just shut the hell up so we could get out earlier. No, every one had to tell Officer Bob their sob-story, about how they got a ticket even though they didnï¿½t deserve it, as if he could somehow vindicate them. Then everyone had to go on about all their driving pet peeves! I was honestly surprised that we got out in under an hour!
This is exactly what I invented internet forums for! What those people need is an internet forum, like this one! Then they could make a post, like this one, and write down all their stupid opinions and gripes there, and then they wouldnï¿½t have to waste other peopleï¿½s time, like mine, in traffic school. Then I would have gotten out of there, like, 30-minutes earlierï¿½ ï¿½course Officer Bob probably could have (and would have) taken up the time himself with worthless stories about his cop glory daysï¿½plus half of those morons in my class probably canï¿½t write anyway, let alone type on a keyboardï¿½..
This one's heavy. Be warned.
First off, Iï¿½m a father of 5. And I honestly donï¿½t enjoy it like, 90% of the time. For one thing, Iï¿½m not allowed to be a kid myself. Iï¿½m forced to be an adult and I really donï¿½t like adults much at all (which is probably why I spend so much time here, but I digress). The other thing that makes it less than enjoyable is that I canï¿½t just go and do whatever I want because my every action is scrutinized by the little ones and incorporated into their lives and, while I donï¿½t mind them emulating my awesome qualities, Iï¿½d rather they not emulate my less-than-stellar ones.
At any rate, this kid in our neighborhood died this week. Jared is the same age as my oldest, Peter (7 ï¿½) so it definitely hits home. The two of them used to walk home from school together and were on the same soccer team. In fact, I coached the team last Fall. That was about the time Jared was diagnosed with a cancerous tumor at the base of his skull. Nearly a year later heï¿½s gone.
I went to the viewing last night and I just didnï¿½t know what to say to his parents. Luckily my wife was there and she handled all the hugging and words of solace while I just smiled and nodded. I mean what do you say when your 7-year-oldï¿½s alive and well and theirs is gone? Nothing, and thatï¿½s what I did.
The funeral was today. I kept waiting for some type of bolt of lightning to hit me and say:ï¿½Wake up, man! You have your kids and they need you,ï¿½ but it never came. Lifeï¿½s not that simple. Nothing forces you to do the right thing, you just have to do it anyway, whether you feel like it or not.
I took my little girl to the bathroom and while I was waiting in the hall this 9-year-old kid I know, and his mom, came out into the foyer of our chapel and he was bawling and it just killed me. I feel emotions really strongly. Itï¿½s painful, though, so I purposely close myself off so I donï¿½t have to feel them. Well, his emotions forced open my gates and I told him to hang in there and that it was okay to feel. The thought then struck me that this must have been what it was like for Jesus but on a much grander level. Now, I canï¿½t say I believe all the time but once in awhile I do and this time I did. I believe our souls/minds, what have you, are fully capable of telepathy, empathy and probably a whole lot more but our race as a whole hasnï¿½t managed to unlock those abilities yet. I imagine what Jesus went through when he ï¿½suffered for our sinsï¿½ was that he just opened the gates wide and let all the emotions in. All the pain, anguish, sorrows, etc. I got a small glimpse of what that was like and Iï¿½m sure a lot of you have to from time to time as well. And before you think Iï¿½m preaching, Iï¿½m not. Iï¿½m just telling you my experience and what it meant to me. Take what you will from it. To quote Kanye, ï¿½I ain't here to convert atheists into believers.ï¿½
To sum up, life is good, life is short, life is fragile. Certain things are important and others are not. Hang in there, be strong for others and be strong for yourselvesï¿½
Note: This is long. I realize that. I haven't written for a while so it's been building. Don't start reading this until you have the mental fortitude to see it through to the bitter end. If you do manage to stick it out you will be well-rewarded.
Well, my good buddy rym has inspired me to pick up the pen yet again!
A couple of weeks back I was driving behind some moron (not to be confused with Mormon) on the way to work. Apparently I was being a jerk although I was unaware of this until said moron slowed to, like, 25 mph to teach me a lesson (or something). So Iï¿½m all, ï¿½whatever,ï¿½ and I get in the next lane to pass him.
Well, when I get ahead of him a little way and attempt to get back over into his lane, he pulls the speed-up-really-fast-so-I-canï¿½t-get-over-trick. I held my position until the last possible moment but finally got back in the other lane before we both died. He sped past me. At this point Iï¿½m really not all that mad. More like amused that this guy is so agitated at me that heï¿½s pulling all this crazy crap on me.
Well he finally takes an exit up ahead of me and as I pass him I see him shaking his fist and making some facial gesture at me out of the corner of my eye. As I passed I just looked straight ahead while holding up my middle finger through the passenger window. But you have to understand, I didnï¿½t just flash it, I held it up for the entire pass and a little bit after, which makes for a much better effect. It was such a beautiful moment that I nearly criedï¿½
Perhaps fittingly, a week or so after that incident I was pulled over along pretty much the same stretch of highway for speeding. I believe I was going about 80 (my speed of choice) in a 65. The officer, of course, did me a ï¿½favorï¿½ and wrote it for like, 5 over (like thatï¿½s a favor. They always do that and itï¿½s still gonna cost me 90 bucks). He then proceeds to give me a warning about following too closely and asks me how much space there should be between me and the next car and I regurgitate the 3-second rule and then he asks me:
ï¿½How close were you to the car in front of you?ï¿½
ï¿½Uuuuhhhï¿½I donï¿½t know.ï¿½
ï¿½You donï¿½t knowï¿½, he asks, all incredulously, trying to lay some big guilt trip on me. And Iï¿½m just like, give me the damn ticket already! I donï¿½t need a lecture from a high-school dropout on how Iï¿½m endangering lives and crap. If everyone drove like me, there would be a lot less dead people. Which reminds meï¿½
It bugs the crap out of me that people want to legislate safety these days. I mean, I have to wear a seat belt, my kids have to be in car seats, etc. etc. People would rather give up freedoms in order to be safer. Or, put another way, people would rather be told what to do than take any personal responsibility for their actions. Take sexual harassment. Back in the 40ï¿½s and 50ï¿½s there wasnï¿½t sexual harassment because people acted responsibly and didnï¿½t say stupid crap that they shouldnï¿½t be talking about. Men were gentlemen, and conducted themselves as such (yes, there were miscreants, but there are always miscreants, and there werenï¿½t nearly as many back then as there are today). No, I wasnï¿½t alive back then, but I know exactly what went on because Iï¿½m an expert on everything, so stick with me, here.
These days, rather than acting responsibly people would rather act however the hell they want to and have laws tell them when theyï¿½re screwing up. People would rather have cars that maximize their chances of surviving a crash (not necessarily a bad thing) rather than drive in a non-moronic way so as not to get in the accident in the first place (a better thing). I know, ï¿½But Brandon, you canï¿½t control the other person. You canï¿½t control the situation all the time because you canï¿½t control the other person.ï¿½ True but you can minimize the chances of crashing. Itï¿½s called defensive driving. Iï¿½ve been in one accident in my entire life when I was the driver and that was back when I was a stupid teenager that thought I knew everything (as opposed to now, a pushing 40-er that thinks I know everything).
At any rate, I go to traffic court today to sort out my ticket. Iï¿½ll go to traffic school or plead guilty in abeyance or some such ridiculousness, pay my fine, and be on my way. I should probably learn a lesson or something but the only lesson that has really impressed itself upon my psyche is: ï¿½Donï¿½t get caught next time.ï¿½ Sad but trueï¿½
And speaking of Karma (which is actually an Eastern Religion term that has somehow found acceptance in the Western vocabulary) or choice and consequence (if youï¿½re a Christian) (yup, this is gonna be a long one, but itï¿½s been awhile so cut me some slack), I got a dumb email about swine flu from one of my dumb colleagues the other day. It was one of those alarmist missives (are there any other kind when the subject is swine flu) saying that people touch their faces more than 10 times an hour and listing things you can do to protect yourself and others, blah, blah, blah. So I ï¿½replied to allï¿½ of her dumb associates and family members and her that ï¿½I will now touch my face 20 times per hour! Look, this swine flu crap is ridiculous. If I get it, I get it, and hopefully I'll give it to a few of you as well! Cheers!ï¿½
It made me feel good but the next day I came across this awesome article that said it so much better than I ever could have, so I sent a second email (although this time I spared her and her family and just limited it to our mutual work associates): ï¿½Sorry about that.
Still speaking of Karma, those of you westerners that feel inclined to seek out Eastern religions, donï¿½t. Youï¿½re just trying too hard! There are more than enough flavors of Christianity to suit a multitude of tastes and if none of them suit you then just come up with your own spiritual regimen. But I digressï¿½
Prehaps fittingly, I came down with a mild case of fever n chills. Luckily it only lasted an evening and by noon the next day I was feeling much better. ï¿½Course, I never said I wouldnï¿½t get the flu, so I think Iï¿½m safe on this one. I accepted the risk, got it, and now Iï¿½m moving on. If thatï¿½s the only case of flu I get this year Iï¿½ll count myself lucky (or blessed as the case may be).
Now one last thing. Thereï¿½s this gal in my department, here, named ï¿½Miri.ï¿½ Now, youï¿½re thinking: ï¿½Meeree, what a nice (or odd, depending) name.ï¿½ But thatï¿½s not the half of it! She pronounces her name: Maraye. Yeah, apparently the laws of the natural world donï¿½t apply to her. Now, Iï¿½m not big on creative names to begin with, but when you start defying the laws of grammar when naming your children you need to be shot, or killed, or shot and killed; Seriously. Miri according to the English language (and sheï¿½s a straight-up, non-ethnic, white chick) is pronounced MEEREE! Her parents are stupid and so is she and I hope they all die.
Speaking of chicks at my work, I moved to a different building than Brittany (see below) (which I hoped would lessen my desire for her) but so far I still have a crush on herï¿½.somewhat troubling but Iï¿½ll get byï¿½Wow, that felt good! Thanks for letting me vent and Iï¿½ll try to not let it all build up next time. Cheers! And happy Thanksgiving to my fellow yanks!
Wow! August is almost over! So anyway, I just walked by the printer room on my way to the break room and there's this chick kneeling down trying to fix something with it. I wittingly point out that "praying to the copier won't help." She then replies "I'm not," in this defeated near-monotone and doesn't even look up at me! Umm...good-byyye! I know you're not praying to the copier, IT WAS A JOKE YOU MORON!! This is the same chick that never even acknowledges my presence. She'll be walking along with her friend Brittany (who I have a huge crush on, see below) and Brittany says "hi" but her stupid friend (who's name I have purposely not mentioned, 'cause that would just be mean) doesn't even look at me. Holy crap, buy a personality! She's even married which blows me away because, while she's averagely good-looking, who would possibly marry that!! You may as well get yourself a blow-up doll! Same diff!
I'm going to the wedding of my bother-in-law's brother tonight. When I heard that he met this chick from China on his internship at Disney World, I was picturing this acne-faced/pock-marked homely asian chick in drab communist chinese overalls or something. When their invitations came last week I was all: "Holy crap!" 'cause she's actually a pretty hot-looking asian chick! I always die a little inside every time a hot chick gets married or engaged, 'cause that's one more hot chick that I'll never get to have sex with. Yes, I realize I'd probably never get the chance anyway, nor would I take it if I did (seeing as how I'm married) but it's really the whole principle of the thing....
Oh, and another thing. If someone cheats on you, don't be mad at the loser that they cheated with. That person, while a complete asshole, doesn't know you from the next guy and doesn't owe you a damn thing. Your spouse/significant other, on the other hand, is the one that promised to be true to you in sickness and in helath and basically betrayed all those sacred vows that they made with you. They're the one that cheated on you. The one they used to cheat with is not the issue.
Now, if you're the one cheating with someone else's someone, let me ask you this: assuming you end up with that cheating someone, what's to prevent them from cheating on you? My answer is: nothing. So don't be all pissed off and hurt when that happens to you, after all, he/she did it once already (with you), right?
I dated my sister-in-law (before she was my sister-in-law, long story) for a couple of weeks, during which, we both realized it was going nowhere. Her idea for getting out of the relationship, though, was to cheat on me with my best friend. I was madder at her than I was at him (per paragraph one, above) but it wasn't quite as big a deal as we were on the outs anyway. I warned my friend to be careful. Well, they shacked up for a couple of years and I married her sister. Then they broke up so she could see other guys (surprise) and the rest is history.
When I first got married over 9 years ago I was a little distressed to find out that I still got the hots for other women. Then I got to thinking about it: "Brandon, you've been checking out everything in a skirt (metaphorically speaking) for 20+ years. It's a habit. Why should that magically change overnight ?" So then I stopped sweating it and just accepted it for what it is. My current crush is a gal named Brittany (and if you say brit-nee I'll punch you in the face) here in the office. She's adorable in every way. But then, so's my wife. It's just that I've been with my wife for years and so she's not quite as Ooooohthrillrushgoosebumpsexciting anymore.
When you find yourself with a crush on someone, realize that that's all it is and don't do something stupid such as thinking: "Oh, my gosh, I married the wrong person, I really love _________." That's not true. You really love the person who bore your children and has been with you and supported you through the last however many years of your up-and-down life! In a very few cases, maybe you did marry the wrong person. If so, I feel bad for you. If that's truly the case, get a divorce/annulment (of course if you have children with that person, then it's a tougher decision and you really have to do some hard thinking). At any rate, don't cheat! That's the worst thing you could do. Cheating only messes things up even further than they already are. Be a man. Get a divorce/annulment and then get with your intended if you must. Cheating is never a good thing to do.
The problem comes when you get too familiar with your crush. Familiarity breeds attraction. The hardest time I ever had with a crush was when I was working in a call center and I was placed directly opposite (facing) her. There wasn't really any escape at that point. I was hanging out with Tracy (her name) 8 hours a day and seeing my wife in the evening for a few hours before we went to bed. Not cool! Luckily it only lasted a for a couple of months (during which I managed to not do anything stupid) and then I moved on to a different department and she left the company.
Here are some things I don't do to avoid getting too familiar with a "crush" (and thus intensifying our feelings and increasing our chances of doing something we'll regret). I don't go over and hang out at her desk and chat/bs. If I have a legitimate business reason to be there, fine. But don't go over and hang out. That's just asking for trouble. There's nothing wrong with seeing her in the hall and saying she looks nice or whatever, but try to avoid flirting and keep the chatter to a minimum.
I don't have lunch with my crush, even if we're "just friends getting a bite to eat." Think about it. If it's just the two of you having lunch, you're basically on a date, right? If you must have lunch with this person, at least make sure that someone else comes along so it's not just the two of you.
So in summary, crushes are normal and natural, but just take them for what they are and avoid intensifying them to the point that they become out of control. Cool? Cool.
My idea of heaven changed the other day. My idea of heaven used to be that I'd be in a room somewhere with a nice couch and cofee table and kickass PC with a bunch of games (but namely C&C Zero Hour). There would be large windows with a nice view of a beach. I'd sit around and play vids all day and at mealtimes I'd be served (in more ways than one) by a different hot, bikini-clad chick every day.
But that was then. The other day I got a new idea. I'd be in a nice cozy alpine cabin in the fall, with Don Henley (of the Eagles) and 3 other people and we'd sit around and play my favorite board games (namely Shogun, Axis N Allies and Fortress America. Every now and then Don could break out his guitar and entertain us by the fire. Why Don Henley? I don't really know. I'm not a huge fan of his music (although I do like the Eagles). I just think he'd be fun to hang with, I guess. The idea just appeals to me for some reason. Now, this version of heaven is not complete. I still need to decide who the other 3 people are. At least 2 of them should be hot chicks 'cause I'll be damned if I'm going without sex for eternity! I might add a LAN to the cabin, too...just to break the monotony....
So I was on my way to work this morning and I noticed the Devil Car in my rearview mirror. The Devil Car has been behind me once before. It's a red car with these cat's-eye headlights. I like to imagine that it's Satan trying to catch me and drag me to hell. The illusion quickly faded, though as the car passed me and the driver was just some average-looking joe that didn't even glance at me. At any rate, it was fun while it lasted.
I got new glasses last week and I love them! They're titanium partial frames (where the rim only goes on top of the lens and the rest is bare) by Nike. Don't get me wrong, I'm not really into brand-names. These were just the coolest frames I could find. Unfortunately, no one has really noticed that I have new frames. That's not a big deal, I guess. It's just that when I get new glasses (among other things) I try to push myself a little and get something that I'm not completely comfortable with. It's my way of staying young. I figure, if I continually push my comfort zone, then I won't be like those old guys you see walking around in clothes that were cool in the 1950's but now just look like old-guy clothes...at any rate, I obviously didn't push myself far enough because no one has noticed the change. I guess I'll hafta try harder next time. I still love these frames, though.
My wife has Yahoo mail and I have to get into her account now and then to print something that someone's emailed her or retrieve a picture, or whatever. The lame thing about Yahoo mail is that when it asks for your username you have to print the whole damn thing (ie. firstname.lastname@example.org) Why can't I just type my wife's username?! It's yahoo's site so if I put so-and-so, it's obviously email@example.com, right?! But no, I have to type the whole thing including @yahoo.com. How RETARDED!! And I in no way intend to offend retarded people or parents or siblings of retarded people but if you were offended by it you're probably a little too sensitive....
Yesterday I got one of those dumb chain-emails. This one had a list of questions such as:
What is your favorite type of music?
a) Rock and Roll (2 pts.)
Alternative (1 pt.)
C) Soft Rock (4 pts.)
D) Country (5 pts )
E) Pop (3 pts.)
Because there are apparently only 5 types of music in existence. All of the other questions were like this, too. Multiple choice, with 5 answers and a corresponding point value. As if this alone didn't set off my BS-ometer, the results of the test resulted in you being shoe-horned into 1 of 6 cartoon-character categories. I present the first line of each to make a point:
(10-16 points) You are Garfield:
You are very comfortable, easy going, and you definitely know how to have the fun...
(17-23 points) You are Snoopy:
You are fun; you are very cool and popular.
(24-28 points) You are Elmo:
You have lots of friends and you are also popular,...
(29-35 points) You are Sponge Bob Square Pants:
You are the classic person that everyone loves.
(36-43 points) You are Charlie Brown:
You are tender, you fall in love quickly...
(44-50 points ) You are Dexter:
You are smart and definitely a thinker.
The point being, that according to this little personality test everyone in the world is fun, popular, smart and cool! Oh, REALLY?!! That's weird, 'cause I know plenty of people that are morons, bastards and just plain evil! Where are the Wil E Coyotes, Megatrons and Stewies in this little test? Long story short, a personailty test that only has positive categories is pure BS, but then you already knew that didn't you?
Well, okay. If you're so smart answer this for me: I'm driving home the other day and I see a new billboard advertising a local strip joint called Southern X-posure (there's also a Northern X-posure but that's beside the point). Now, just what is the point of advertising for a strip joint? Especially here in the cradle of Mormon-dom in which I live? I mean, there are only, like, 5 in the entire city and I'm pretty sure I know the names of all of them and I've never even been to a strip club. I doubt there's a whole lot of competition. In fact if you're a patron of these establishments, you probably make the rounds, so advertising one probably isn't gonna get more of the existing patrons to come to yours. If you're trying to drum up new customers, I doubt a billboard's really gonna do it. I suppose it will push a few that were already considering it over the edge...anyway, I just found it odd. It's also my young Nathaniel's birthday today but that's neither here nor there.
Wow, I haven't had an opinion in days...I still don't, really. But I just finished a bag of Spinach and Artichoke Chips (that's 'crisps' to all you faggy Brits. No offense, but if I caught myself saying:"I just ate a bag of crisps," I'd be forced to kick my own ass (Thanks, Happy Gilmore!)). Yeah, Spinach and Artichoke! Can you beleive it? It got me to thinking. You could probably slap any crazy flavor on a bag of chips and someone would eat it just to see what it tastes like. And chances are, they'd probably eat it a second time because it would probably taste pretty good. Because deep down, a chip is a chip. I mean, have you ever tasted a bad chip? You know what my Spinach and Artichoke chips tasted like? Chips. Yeah, really.
Speaking of Brits, they have some crazy chip (crisp) flavors over there! Like Shrimp and.....well, shrimp is the only one I can think of right now. My friend brought several bags of British chips (crisps) to a party once and they were really wild....yeah....anyway, these Spinach and Artichoke chips have me feelin' like Popeye on steroids so I'm off to punch some chump in the face! Catch ya next time...
The other day I discovered yet another thing that annoys me. I was driving behind a stupid minivan that had those dumb stick figures of a Mom and a Dad and all their dumb kids. Now, I'm not against owning a minivan (I own one) or even having some kids (I have several), but really, I don't give a rat's balls how many people are in your family or what sex they are! Damn those people for thinking I should care! There are even stupid variations, now that have palm trees and crap. Or you can get little dogs and cats and stuff. I hate your stupid pets even more than your stupid family members! Pets aren't people and they don't belong in your "family." Pets are animals. They are not self-aware (despite what Disney would have you believe). The idea that animals are sentient creatures with thoughts and feelings has done all sorts of bad to our society. And, no, I'm not advocating cruelty to animals, but vegetarianism, eco-terrorism and all sorts of other crap has sprung from this idea. I'm convinced that most animal rights activists were plunked in front of a t.v. screen by their lazy-ass baby boomer parents and spent way too much time with Bambi and Thumper.
But I digress. The family stickers are just the latest off-shoot of the good 'ol bumper sticker (and by "good 'ol," I mean "bad"). I hate bumper stickers. Why do people feel the need to broadcast their views to complete strangers on the freeway? I don't want that jerk going slow in the fast lane to know anything more about me than what kind of car I drive and the length of my middle finger. Seriously. I don't care if you think mean people suck (they don't, they rule), or what bands you think are cool or even who you voted for. I had to drive my Dad's truck around for awhile and he had a "shut up and drive" bumper sticker and a USMC sticker. I was even a little uncomfortable with those.
Another offshoot of the bumper sticker is the vanity plate. These piss me off even more than bumper stickers, because at least bumper stickers are intelligble. Most vanity plates consist of inside jokes that only the stupid driver of the vehicle and his buddies understand. It's like they're laughing at you as they drive by: "Heh-heh, you don't know what my license plate means, heh-heh!" Then why are you showing it to me, moron?! This is the reason, that I hate most sigs. Some are useful, like a link to your web page or something, but inside jokes and stupid pictures that you have there just "cuz you think they're kewl" are lame. The majority of you should be shot for your sigs. And that, my friends, is the gol-durn truth.
Transformers was a huge steaming pile.
I was browsing my local secondhand shop the other day ('cause I'm thrifty like that) and I came across a Spiderman 3 version of Operation. You know, Operation? The game where you hafta remove parts from a "patient" with a pair of tweezers and if you touch the sides it's all: "BZZZZZZZZZZZTTT!" Well in this version you get to operate on Spiderman and remove parts like "Webbed Feet" and "Crook in the Neck." Wow, I bet it took a genius to think that crap up! The thing that pisses me off is that it's the exact same game! It's the same deal with all the bazillion versions of Monopoly. WHO CARES?! If I wanna play Monopoly I'll play Monopoly, not Transformers Monopoly "cuz I saw tha movie and it wuz so 1337 kewl, dood!" The lame thing is that there are enough people that aren't me, that do buy this crap, "cuz they saw the movie and it wuz so 1337 kewl, dood" that game companies are obviously making money off of these stupid alternate versions! It makes we want to cry tears of blood!!
On a related note, I'm insulted by the fact that Milton Bradley re-released the game, Shogun, as "Samurai Swords." If you haven't heard of "Shogun," you straightup suck. It's one of the Holy Trinity of kickass War Strategy Board Games (the other two being Axis and Allies and Fortress America). If you don't know what a board game is, kill yourself.
Anyway, Shogun is an awesome strategy game set in ancient Japan. It's basically Risk on steroids (lets face it, Samurai make anything better). So somewhere along the line, some suit-wearing, corporate dickhole decided that the game needed to be pulled and re-released as "Samurai Swords." It's the exact same game except for the name. The implication is that people are too dumb to know what Shogun means (if you're one of these people, pull your thumb out of your ass and suck it 'til you die), so for all these morons, "Samurai Swords" was much more palatable. The sad thing is that they're probably right. Why does society continually let me down? Now I really want to cry tears of blood....
Click here if I don't want to wait?! WTF? Why is this here?!! Am I honestly supposed to think that if I don't want to wait an extra 5 seconds that there's this magic button that's somehow going to get me through faster? Well, I clicked it today just out of curiosity. It didn't do jack squat as far as I can tell. It's dumb, too, cuz anyone coming to an internet forum is coming to waste time, so saving that extra 5 seconds probably doesn't matter to them.'Course, it really doesn't say anything about getting me through faster, so maybe that's just me, projecting my own meaning onto it. It really doesn't imply anything at all about what happens when you "click here." Maybe it makes a little tally mark on some computer program that's part of a "impatient morons on the internet study." Maybe there's just some fool on the other end that gets off every time he gets someone to press this idiot button. I guess we'll never really know. It pisses me off to no end, though. But that's not even what I came here to write about today.
Saturday, I'm at our local Scottish Highland Games festival. I'm standing outside the women's bathroom waiting for my daughter to come out. This other stupid hoody-wearing kid comes up with his mom and she goes in so we're both waiting. Then this freak comes up with his girlfriend and she goes in. So now we're all waiting. By freak, I mean, this guy could pass for one of those cartoon cannibals that you always see cooking some explorer in a pot, except he doesn't have a bone through his nose and he's not black. But he does have a friggin' skull and crossbones tatooed on his neck and chin, among other tats, a peirced face (in the interest of saving time, I'll just say that instead of elaborating on the plethora of crap he had in his face), and a pair of huge-ass spacers in his ears. Before I can even finish thinking what a freakish loser-ass whore this guy is, the dumb kid, says: "Dude are those 2 inch?" And Freak's all, "Inch-and-a-half." And then their stupid conversation continues:
"Cool. How long have you been stretchin' 'em?"
"7 months. I work at a tattoo shop. I've been scalpeling 'em."
Before Stupid Kid could kiss his idol's balls any more, my daughter came out and we left. Thoughts:
- If Freak stretches his ears out enough, maybe his boyfriends can screw him in his earlobes. How erotic!
- I'm being sarcastic.
- It's permanent, Dumbo!
- At least Dumbo's big floppy ears allowed him to fly.
- Peircings, tats, etc. don't make you a rebel or unique or cool. They only make you exactly like every other periced, tatooed asshole out there.
- We created civilization (and became civilized) because we'd had it with sticking bones through our noses and killing stuff with spears. We've been there and done that, and we like it better this way, so why do all these horse's balls want to go back to the stone age?
- I feel better now.
Female bosses suck ass! Yeah, you heard me. And before you call me a sexist, read this post. I didn't really realize this until now because all of my bosses have been women. But now that I have a male boss, oh my CRAP!!! I've been missing out...When a male boss says he doesn't "micromanage", it means I never see the sonuvabitch! When a female boss says it, it means she doesn't micromanage...very much...It's impossible for them to leave you completely alone, because, deep down, they just don't think you can do anything without their expert help and support! They don't trust you, and they never will. They wait around until they can find even the slightest infraction. Once they find it, they declare martial law for ever after. Then you're good and thouroughly screwed. It doesn't matter what you do to make up for your error, you will never be forgiven or let out of their sight. They will castrate you and keep your balls in a locked desk drawer, never to see the light of day again. Female bosses are the most petty, meddling, evil creatures that God ever created and I hate them all! You may now call me a sexist.
Note to any of you losers that are considering it: If I'm taking a dump in a public restroom, don't sit your disgusting ass down in the stall next to me. A little privacy, please? Seriously wait, like, a couple of minutes and I'll be done and then you can have a go, okay?!! I don't want to hear your sounds and I don't want to smell your rank poo smells!!!
Yeah, this old guy just did that to me here at work...and then we both finish at the same time and so then I hafta face the sunuvabitch and we've just shared this intimate moment together. I couldn't look him in the eye. I'm sure he enjoyed it. He's probably telling all his gay programmer friends (he's in Data Warehousing) that he took a dump with me....
Okay, so this morning I'm in the shower and I realize that the shampoo is gone and I only have two options: No tears for children crap, or this Aussie color enhancing shampoo. I dismiss the kid crap immediately as my manly follicles would most likely reject it outright. So I squeeze out some of the Aussie shampoo and it's like black tar and I'm all: "Eeewww..." I lather and rinse. I half-expected to look like Count friggin' Dracula when I got out of the shower, but to my releif it didn't have any noticable effect (aside from getting my hair clean). For once in my life I was glad for some stupid marketing ploy. Y'know, when they make outrageous claims on packaging to get you to buy crap and then you realize the outrageous claims are simply outrageous claims?
Speaking of crap marketing. Taco Bell: "melty" isn't a flavor you stupid cocks!
NBA playoffs. Hope that didn't turn anyone off....I'm a Utah Jazz fan. Many of you probably haven't heard of Utah, let alone the Jazz. We usually make it to the second round if not the Western Conference finals (been to the big show twice in my lifetime, no titles to show for it). If you blinked and missed our series versus the Lakers, this year, you didn't miss much. Kobe and Co. basically used the Jazz' collective nutsack as a punching bag and gave us a quick first round exit. I was a little dissapointed at first, but then I got to thinking about it.
We actually saved ourselves an extra series or two against mediocre teams. May as well get it over with, right? I'm now convinced that in the playoffs you should either shoot for that number 1 seed or, failing that, go straight for #8. That way, you get to play the best team right off the bat. You either pull off a stunning upset (as the GS Warriors did a couple years ago against the pathetic Dallas Mavs), or you get ousted and get to start your summer vacation early. Either way, you win...
As many of you know, I don't have a whole lot going on at work at the moment and even when I do have stuff to do, I don't want to do it.
Anyway, I went to Subway for lunch and I'm all: "I'm gonna get me a $5 foot-long (because I've been brainwashed into it by those incessant advertisements)." So I'm going through the list of crap sandwiches for $5 (because they're not gonna sell you the good stuff for $5, are you crazy?!!) and I notice 'BLT.' And I'm all: "Bacon, Lettuce and Tomato? Wait a sec. You get lettuce and tomato for free on every subway sandwich, so why don't they just call it a B sandwich, cuz really the only extra thing you're getting is the bacon." Then I'm like: "What a rip! Bacon is a topping, not a meat in and of itself. I mean, I love bacon as much as the next guy, but I like it on top of some real meat, like a burger, not by itself on a bun." So I was all: "Forget that, I'll blog about it when I get back to work (which I'm doing right now)."
I was real close to getting tuns, but then I opted for Italian at the last minute and the lady's all: Spicy, or regular?" and I'm like: "Spicy, 'casue who doesn't like spicy?" And she's all: "Heh-heh."
So I gte to the register and pay, and I present my Subway card and say: "Look what I remembered. You thought I'd forget it like the last two times, huh?" And the register girl's all: "Heh-heh."
Anyway, long story short, it's a damn good sandwich, and it's Friday, so I'm flying pretty high at the moment. So what'd you all have for lunch?
Edited by The B.I.V., 22 December 2014 - 05:49 PM.