Yeah seriously... the whole situation sounds fairly irresponsible. In any case, our dog is small and barky and jumps over new people, heres what we do.
Why doesnt my dog wake me up at 2AM?
We do not let the dog wander at night. Before bed, we send him outside ('outside') and he pisses, then comes back in. We say 'bed' and he walks into the laundry and lies in his bed. We fill up his water, close the door, and he sleeps. For the first month or so he would scratch on the door, but he eventually got the idea that we werent letting him out. Now he knows not to tap and expects us to let him out around 7:30am. Times when he pisses his bed or in the laundry are generally our fault because we havent let him out the night before. He cannot be blamed.
Why does the dog respect the members of our family?
Small things that we get him to do reinforce the family heirachy. When we are walking outside and he wants to come, he has to sit and wait for us to leave first. Same thing for coming in. He has to sit and wait for us to wave him in or tell him 'inside'.
Before dinner, he has to sit and wait on his mat until we serve it and tell him he can go and eat it.
These things really arent hard to teach. The only commands we actively taught our dog were 'sit', 'stay', 'come' and 'down'. Now he knows 'walk' (because he loves to go for walks), dinner (because he loves to eat dinner), 'bed', 'outside', 'inside', 'off the carpet' and 'mat' (he goes and sits on his mat). Dogs aren't stupid, just easily distracted. You could probably teach ur dog 'sit' in a day. Its all about positive reinforcement. Dogs will learn incredibly quick if they get something out of it.
Training a dog requires treats and patience. Its also rewarding and helps your dog's behaviour. Im no expert and for all I know we could have trained our dog in completely the wrong way. He still does shit that pisses us off, he will steal anything edible and hide under the beds when no ones looking even though he knows its wrong. (When we find him he rolls over, then gets up and takes himself outside).
As for dogs biting people and being generally annoying, they need exercise.
If all else fails:
Dude, fuck your sister.