Read and be enlightened.
I understand your gripes with Brawl and granted, there is some merit to them. The problems that I see with your statements are your extremes. I have been spent a lot of time playing both brawl and melee. Things have changed greatly. The speed of the game has slowed down a bit (not a ton more). The issues you have with Brawl are in common with what so many people have with fighting game sequels when things change. You want to play as the same characters as you did before and be just as good as you were then, as you are now. I find the game fun and more accessable to the unaquainted, making it easier for everyone to have fun, but also allows the pros to really go at it.
You are entitled to your opinion and I have no true objection to your views other than the extremities of your statement.
On the snake aspect though..search for him on Youtube.