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Published by: Nintendo
Developed by: Who Acutally
Genre: Reads this?
Release Date:
US: December 13, 2002. Ahh.. 2002. Such a fun year.
Platform: ur mom lol.
Remember when this game was first released? How all the fanboys were crying that their beloved Link was cell shaded and only stood 4 feet tall and looked like a fucking queer? They were probably all right, I didn't pick up the game until a few years after the release. Paying 50 dollars to play as what looked like an elf that wasn't hired at Santa's workshop while he waved around a phallic symbol didn't seem like the greatest of ideas. After I got the game though, I fell in love with
>mfw the forum dies.
So you start off the game presumably hung over (you wake up in a fucking watch tower ffs) when your sister wakes you up for your birthday. The age isn't exactly specified, so I just went with him turning 38. At the age of 38, it seems, men on the island are given the special gift of wearing green pajamas with a fucking sweet elf hat. After you change into what seems to be your new outfit for the rest of your life, a gigantic bird is spotted carrying a small girl in its claws, with a pirate ship chasing it. They manage to cause the fucker to drop the girl into a forest (which is, oddly enough, ontop of a fucking mountain.) You go and rescue her, and then the bird comes back and dick slaps you across the face by taking your sister.
That's pretty much the premise of the game, you go around trying to find a way to bitchslap the bird that took your sister away. Gameplay is simple, lock on to a monster with the L button, wildly flail as you continously smash the A button, and collect the loot after you've slain the beast.
fasc's whore please I aint given you my pig.
The game introduced the concept sailing. It seemed cool the first few times I did it, but then I realized I had to fucking sail everywhere. It served more as an annoyance than anything else. It took ages to change the wind, and sail to the next dungeon (which almost all the time was on the other side of the friggen sea.) what's worse, is that if you overshot, you had to TURN BACK, CHANGE THE WIND AGAIN, AND TRY AGAIN. And you can't just put down the controller and have a wank, because the game throws in sea monsters and random outposts for you to keep an eye out for. If you're not careful, you'll come back to find your character drowning because he was knocked off by a seagull.
The problem with this game is that it had no sex appeal. This fucking bird.. thing didn't give me a hard on at all. Not like Amy Wong from RE. Oh god, dem legs..
Despite this *minor* flaw in the game (I spent 20% of my time sailing, 10% of my time actually in a dungeon, and 70% of my time looking up tips online on how to sexually please a woman without having an embarrassing eruption first), the game still kicks so much ass. It's amazing to see how stubborn the little fucker is. After going to one dungeon, you find out that you have to go to a completely different dungeon to do the same exact thing you just did in the previous one (solve puzzles, kill boss, collect heart container). I sort of stopped following the storyline after I saved my sister. I thought the game would be over but, GASP, SPOILER ALERT: YOU HAVE TO KILL GANONDORF IN A ZELDA GAME. So I did, by driving the fucking master sword into his cranium.
You know there's something wrong when a gigantic fucking tree shoots out from the sea and Al Gore is cool with it.
The sound is where this game truly shines. Most towns/dungeons/areas/mother in law's have their own carefully orchestrated piece. The music was so well done that an independent team redid the songs and had them avalaible to download. I didn't think this before, but when I first heard the scottish bagpipes the 3rd time I played the game I thought: "lol, Xayun played one of these. and he wears kilt." what a fucking demospam !
CLOSING:
Now that I'm looking back on it, I'm making this game look pretty average. I'm not used to this, so let me try to explain myself: the game does indeed fucking rock.. but not your face off. Contrary to my popular reviews.. this game sort of.. more like.. ballads your face off. It is a great game, and one of the better games in the GC library, but it wasn't the best game out there. It's well done, its polished, but it still had some flaws that hindered it. It was good enough though to play through it again and again. If you haven't played this game, give it a try. You'll like what you see, but I won't guarantee that you'll fall in love.
JOBY'S RATING SCALE
10/10 = Blowjobs
9/10 = That one time class got canceled and it pushed back a huge exam that I hadn't studied for at all.
8/10 = The Wind Waker
7/10 = The first time I tried KFC's double downer.
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Joby reads some brah's website for inspiration and guidance.
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